OK. So tomorrow's the "Big Day" (though, when you think about it, aren't all days big on this great green Mama Earth?) Or I should say, Starting Day. Though I gotta say, since this idea came to me, I've been kinda bursting at the seams to get it started already...!


So. Just to be totally clear. Here are my 5 areas that I m looking forward to seeing changes in:

1. Physical Body
2. Health & Energy
3. Creative Accomplishments
4. Self-Esteem
5. Finances & Career

 My goals for each of these, I've already stated below, and I've written out on my little whiteboard to keep myself on track.

Daily Checklist (no matter what!):

• meditation
• physical connection & activity
• food awareness & gratitude
• daily commitments for the day
• morning pages
• 3 finance/career actions/day
• 1 creative action/day
• nature appreciation
• visualization & imagery on each of 5 areas above

**please note that the Food Awareness, Gratitude, Meditation, Nature Appreciation are taken from attending Eion Finn's Blissology Course... a course and yoga DVD set I highly recommend!

Weekly commitments:

1. With every interaction, think, "how can I give to this person in this transaction?"
2. Flip Side Week (otherwise known as No Complaining Week). Also special note to be gentle to Self Week.
3. Random Act of Kindness Week (or Pay-It-Forward Week). I'm aiming for at a bare minimum of 1/day... to friends, foe, and strangers.
4. Good Vibes to People Week (Choose 1 person/day, and see that person surrounded in white light and getting all they deserve as much as possible throughout the day)
5. Give tribute to Mentors Week (You remember WWJD? Substitute "J" for your mentor and act like they would... WW _ D?)
6. Tackle my Weaknesses Week (Make a list of 7 Darknesses. Choose one per day. Devote each day to throwing every single tool I know of at it... affirmations, change of thoughts, change of actions, etc.)
7. Eat only real, simple foods for a week. Also: goal to eat each meal doing nothing else except eating! No reading, no tv, just simple.
8. Plan and make all meals at home for a week (no eating out... that includes Starbucks!)
   
   **HALFWAY!... celebration and refection and correct/continue time!**
   
9. Be Kind to the Environment Week (might become Bike Everywhere Week...maybe even Low-Electricity Week (ie... no TV week... gulp! ... keep ya posted)
10. Switch It Up Week: do something new in everything... exercise, eating, route to work, daily routine... you name it!
11. Simplify and Clear Space Week
12. DO IT NOW week (otherwise known as No Procrastination Week)
13. Confidence Week
14. Marketing Myself Week: work on marketing projects I've been putting off (website updates much?!) 
15. Go out of Comfort Zone Week
16. Notice the Changes and Love Yourself Week

 **I've grouped each of these into an order that makes sense to me and my schedule... but please go ahead and tailor to yourself, if any of these doesn't make sense to you**
 **Also, THANKS to all the facebook peeps who posted their ideas... it was AWESOME to see everybody's ideas, and you can see I've shamelessly stolen some of them, thanks!*

Now. Rewards and punishments ideas (I don't know how much I'll be using them, but they're here just in case they work for anyone else?):

Rewards:

• Go to the spa/beauty parlour (mani, pedi, massage, etc.)
• Buy new music
• New clothing
• New Lush/Eco-friendly stuff
• Hang out at the SPCA with the puppies

Punishments:

• wake up extra early for meditation
• do Mike's chores for him
• clean out computer files, or other jobs I've been putting off
• donate money to a charity (alternative: put money in a jar and donate one big sum at the end)
• Do everything on the Daily List twice
• No TV

(thanks to Rach and Aunt Liz for the ideas!)

So.... that's the plan folks! Again, I am committing to blogging weekly (hopefully more!) and sharing my experiences. I'd love to hear comments if any of you try this -- even just a portion of it -- or if anyone out there has done something like this in the past, what has worked for them? I know this seems ambitious... but if I get to the end of the month and it's just too much, I will tone things down  if needed. Or otherwise -- even more exciting -- if it just is so darned easy, I'll ramp up the changes.

Much, much love, and Happy 120 Days to Change!

Meg

So I've really been putting a lot of thought into this 120-days-towards-change-thing. At first, it came to me on a whim, but a few people have been expressing interest... and, I open this up to anybody (whether I know you or you stumble across it!) who is willing... 4 months could be a looooong time to commit to something unless you've got a kick-ass support system! Hoomama.

So I've been clarifying just what, exactly, I want to put into the next 4 months. I have my 5 cornerstone themes I'm aiming to see improvement in. I've got daily actions aimed at each of them. I've been playing around with the idea of a weekly theme resulting in daily action (see yesterday's post), and some GREAT ideas have came flowing in on my facebook status (thanks peeps!). So I figured, why not give it some semblance of form, and have a MONTHLY theme, with weekly categories that come up?? (Again, I apologize for my micro-managerial tendencies that can pop up from time to time...don't worry... they'll soon pass...)

So on that note. Here's what I've got so far (any other ideas, I'm all ears!):

Month 1: Fresh, Eager, this-is-new-and-exciting energy
Month 2: In the Thick of It -- Keep your chin up and your head down, Kid (or something like that)
Month 3: Halfway--Take stock of where I'm at. Correct/revise/continue Game Plan
Month 4: TAKE 'ER HOME!

And as for Weekly Ideas, here's what I have chosen -- in no particular order:

1. With every interaction, think, "how can I give to this person in this transaction?"
2. Gratitude Week
3. Flip Side Week (otherwise known as No Complaining Week)
4. Random Act of Kindness Week (or Pay-It-Forward Week)
5. Pray for/Meditate on/send good vibes to the same person every day
6. Give tribute to a mentor Week (either same one, or 7 different ones!)
7. Tackle my Weaknesses Week
8. Eat only real food for a week
9. Plan all meals for a week
10. Be Kind to the Environment Week
11. Go out of Comfort Zone Week
12. Love Yourself Week (was gonna say Pleasure Yourself Week but I guess that's something different altogether... oh this is awkward)
13. DO IT NOW week (otherwise known as No Procrastination Week)
14. Confidence Week
15. Marketing Myself Week: work on marketing projects I've been putting off (website updates much?!)

As you can see, I'm still lacking 2 more  weeks. Always open to ideas.

Lastly, I am aiming for at least 1 weekly check-in. The goal is to do a blog on Sunday night, with a recap of the previous week, and a more specific plan for the coming week. Because obviously, I've done all my planning in advance so there will be ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that will come up and knock my advance-well-thought-out plans out of the picture... ;)

I have taken an inventory of where I'm at NOW and where I want to be in 4 months. I found some areas easier than others to give basic numbers:

-the Physical Body was easiest to figure out. Numbers on a scale and the way I feel in jeans are pretty self-explanatory, and I've found in the past that when I stick to a simple plan, the numbers show for themselves... so I feel good about that. Simple, vegan foods, portion observance, intuitive eating, creative cooking, planning, and really paying attention to my thoughts & emotions while preparing and eating delicious food.

-Health & Vitality was a bit more difficult to add a quantum number to. All I could really decide was that I'd like to "feel more energetic". I think that to quantify this, over the weekend, I'm going to look at the ways I'm NOT health & vitality-full, and strategize how  I DO want to be.

-Creative Accomplishments is scariest to work with. I have some ideas for scripts that have been kicking around. Actually writing a first draft?! Going from in-the-ethosphere to in-someones-hard-drive is a scary, scary thought. Nevertheless, 2 goals are written and in the book for May.

-Self-Esteem (inside & out): ok, this one kinda goes with Health & Vitality, but it's the internal manifestation. Since I've decided that I want to have my own business, I've had tonnes of ideas that have bubbled to the surface... but Mike put it best when he quoted Susan in the musical [title of show]:

The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair.
It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like:
Who do you think you’re kidding?
You look like a fool.
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough


Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform
and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole,
but if the vampire inside my head says it,
It’s the voice of reason.

... RIGHT???...

so it was at that point I decided that Self-Esteem deserved a big ol' spot up here. So, again, hard to put in quantum measures... but, by May, I want to feel confidence and strength in places where I am currently feeling crippling self-defeatism.

-Finances: Ah yes, my good friend Moneybags and his doppelganger Visa card.  At this point, I have debt that I would like to have totally managed by May. I am also currently unable to work my old jobs due to vocal issue... so I'm looking for creative income streams and a solid business idea and plan by May.

SO. I don't want to post too specific information here on this gargantuam Internet-thing ... I will share that info with close friends and colleagues, but I'd rather leave my goals general for now.

All right. So up to now, I've posted: inventory, monthly plan, weekly plan, daily plan. I'm also looking for rewards/punishments for each day... to help with the "motivation" factor ... although I much prefer the term "INSPIRATION" factor! I've posted for ideas on facebook... all ears for ideas!


Woo! Bring it on!

Love, light, and hugs that make you feel warm in your toes,

Meg

Hey!
So, been thinking more about the Weekly Challenges. I want something that has a recognizable weekly theme, with specific daily actions. I put an all-call out on Facebook and Twitter for ideas, so far, here are some ideas that I've had:

So I have a few options here:

1. Choose 4 themes and repeat them each 4 times
2. Choose 8 themes and repeat them twice
3. Choose 16 themes and have a new theme every week
4. Choose a random number between 4 and 16 and repeat some/don't repeat others

 Any ideas/comments out there?

Also, been working on my daily actions, and adding a quantum measurement to make my goals SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, with a Timeline... check here for more info). The...goal... (heheheh)... is to have these written down in concrete, specific steps by the weekend so I'm good to go for Monday! Adding specific details has always been somewhat of my downfall (more on downfalls/darknesses later).

ALSO, I am giving myself the BIGGEST pat on the back... I figured out how to add FB and Twitter "share" buttons! It was so exciting! So please add, like, and share to your heart's content... how awesome would it be if a whole bunch of us changed global consciousness just by striving to be our best Selves for 4 months?

Lotsa love and hugs,
Megan

Hello!

So after a couple of days of reflection, I have decided to implement some goals and changes to kick-start forward motion.

Since being diagnosed with the vocal issue that kept me silent and forced me to cancel all my previous commitments (see my previous post!), I have found myself grappling with a fear that I am wasting all of this incredible free time that just fell on my lap. It really opened me up to how precious time is. I've spent a great deal of this time in reflection, journalling, taking Artist Dates, and watching a looooooot of TV.

As wonderful as this time is, I've also felt myself receding a bit. I realized that if it were up to me, I would spend my life indoors, listening to self-help audios, meditating, going to yoga or the gym, watching Grey's Anatomy, and eating delicious vegan food.

(I mean, really, I don't see anything wrong with that?!)

I was sitting down to eat a delicious lentil burger I made tonight, with a nagging sensation that there was something I should do. As I leaned over to turn on the newest Biggest Loser episode, a chill ran through my body....

... This is what I realized: It would be so, so easy to be this exact same person a year from now. If I continued to follow the exact same patterns as I have recently become aware of... Megan-from-the-future would be exactly the same as Megan-In-the-Present.

Chilling, right?!

So here's what I'm thinking. After much brainstorming, I've decided on 5 major areas that I really look forward to improving. I'll list them here (not necessarily in order of importance!):

1. Physical Body
2. Health & Energy & Emotional Well-Being
3. Creative Productivity
4. Finances: grow income
5. Internal Strength & Outside Generosity

I won't share it with you here, but I have taken note of where I'm RIGHT NOW for each of these actions. In 4 months (and weekly/monthly), I will journal how things change and grow, correcting and continuing as need be.

The goal is to take daily action and one bigger weekly action for each item listed above. Daily actions will consist of:

-meditation
-physical connection and activity
-food awareness and gratitude
-gratitude as often as I can remember
-daily commitments listed and marked off
-morning pages


Weekly items will change, depending on the week.

 I am aiming to start this Monday, so I have some more time over the next few days to review and clarify. But if anyone wants to start a 120 day challenge with me on Monday... towards any topic of your choosing! ... Feel free to post or comment it... after all, it's proven that any goals stated publicly have a major advantage to ones that just get stuck in your head.

So very much love to you!!

Peace and light,
Meg

Hi! It's been a while. Sorry for the delay... I don't have a good excuse, except that I got busy. You deserve better, though :)

OK, so this post is about some pretty important stuff that's come up this past week. I was on doctor-ordered voice rest due to a bump of some form on my left vocal fold. A case of overworking myself physically, emotionally, and mentally, and not listening to the signs until it was too late.

So I had to release myself from all commitments... and spend 7 days with myself. Seven days. With myself. Most of the time in a confined space.

Oh god!

Now, I will say one thing: this was certainly not a true vipassana meditation because I definitely did a lot of things, and had to communicate with others through other methods (email, texts, etc). Because the voice rest came on quite suddenly, I still had a great deal of my life to organize and as much as I wanted to take the time to have Mind become completely silent (oh horrors!) I was unable to, due to not being completely ready for it.

HOWEVER. That being said, it has definitely been a huge and wonderful learning experience this past week.

You know, up until recently, I'd really started to lose sight of myself. Isn't it funny sometimes, the more action you take, the more you can lose sight of yourself? I'm taking action because I want to get where I want to be... yet, I took this action so far that I got sick and had to remove myself completely.

Of course... doesn't the Universe always give you what you asked for, just in a different way?
I've been looking to start taking time off my current life for a while... I just didn't know how. Part of me was starting to get frustrated and a little dead inside, much like that hamster on the wheel (a past life, perhaps??), the merry-go-round that doesn't let you get off. I saw a psychic the Friday before I found out all this stuff with my voice, on a very odd whim. (Seriously, I was walking to the car on Granville Island and something nudged me further on, further on, and further on still... until I was at the bottom of the psychic's staircase looking up. What's a girl to do!)

So he said some pretty powerful stuff concerning my upcoming direction. The two things he made note of were:
-to make time for my spiritual work
-focus on writing
(actually, what he said was, "You're a healer, girl! Share those gifts with the world!" a la Jack McFarland)

He also told me that a lot of my struggles were behind me, and now it's time to reap the benefits. (What does that even MEAN? I thought in my head)

So how does that relate to you? Well. I must share with you some of the pretty awesome revelations I've had over the past week.

1. Creativity is awesome. I've had time to revisit certain passages/exercises of the Artist's Way (Julia Cameron... if you haven't read it... do it now!), specifically the morning pages (3 pages of longhand writing done first thing in the morning) and the artist date (1-2 hours of hanging out with your Inner Child). The point of morning pages to get your "chatter" out of the way so you can spend the day living in the present. Some people love it, some people hate it... but all I have to say is when I'm focused on "doing whatever it takes" to regain my creativity, 3 pages of longhand writing seem like a great way to get my own voice out of the way without other people having to listen to it! And the point of the artist date is to "fill the well" and remember what your little artist likes and doesn't (because ultimately, isn't it your perception that makes your own creativity unique?)
   
   I've had a pretty great time remembering what it's like to write short stories just for the fun of it, or sketch pretty awful semblances of cups (or are they dogs? You can never tell when I'm done with it...) I have no idea where my writing will take me... but remembering the journey has been pretty incredible.
   
   
2. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. You know, I totalled it up today, and I spent somewhere around 20 hours in the past week cleaning and organizing my place. You'd think I hadn't cleaned it since we moved in! But I read recently in Stuart Wilde's work that touching things will give them a life energy, regardless of what they are... and ya know, I haven't put this much love into a place... well... ever. For the first time since we've moved in (and even before then...) I am in love with the space I live in... simply because I'm finding my groove!
   
   
3. Self-care is what it's cracked up to be. Oh my god. I'd forgotten what it was like to sleep until you wake up. Honestly. Since ... the summer... maybe? ... I hadn't had a day where I hadn't woken up to an alarm... and I certainly hadn't had more than 1 day in a row of having nothing planned except for what I've planned for myself. Meaning, being in control of my schedule gave me a feeling of empowerment that had been missing for a very long time... and the ability to sleep for the length of time my body asked for, to do little bits of stretching here and there... but mostly, to say nice things to yourself. For the first time in years, I've had the time to do an awesome, full meditation process in the morning.
   
   And if you don't mind, I'm going to share with you a meditation technique that 2 wonderful people in my life, Julie and Matt, shared with me on the weekend. It goes like this:
   1) put your hands on your heart
   2) close your eyes
   3) say/sing/whisper/chant/warble "I love you" to yourself for at least 1 minute.
   
   I know, I know! It sounds cheesy! But I promise you--I promise you -- it works!
   
   
4. Refresh, Re-inspire, Rinse, Repeat. I'd forgotten what it's like to observe my thoughts. Granted, (thankfully!), all the work I've been doing for the past 5 years is starting to take hold so I don't have to consciously think so much about creating my thoughts... but GEE WHIZ! Taking so much time hanging out with myself, I forgot how angry I can get when that douche cuts me off, or how selfish I can be when I'm eating, or how fear-prone I can get when I'm reviewing my finances. As much as I like to pretend I'm perfect... I forgot just how far from it I am! And, how much work it takes to change those deep-set thoughts...!
   

Ahhh.... well, those are my musings. You'd think after a week of silence I'd have nothing to say!

:)

As always, I hope that my learnings can be of some use to you. The next upcoming weeks are going to be ones of sincere reflection, and as I intend to be a diligent client and listen to my "Just Jack" psychic, I will be focusing on how I can be of service in both writing and offerings of spiritual healing. So in other words, expect more blogs!

Love, blessings, and infinite gratitude,
Meg

OK, so this is more of a rant blog than anything. Forewarning :)



I will start by saying, I am ALL for peta. Those of you who know me personally will know that I have recently undergone some pretty substantial lifestyle changes; most dramatically, completely eliminating all animal products from my life. Yes, this was mostly from a health perspective -- but it was also encompassing an ethical perspective as well. Although I do subscribe to the "live-and-let-live" philosophy, I am pretty passionate about NOT supporting the mass production of livestock in sub-par, inhumane conditions, just so we can gorge ourselves on foods that we don't *really* need to eat.



Effectively, I call myself a vegan. I believe that there are more conscious ways of living than purchasing products that we have NO idea of their source, or the ethical nature they were produced.



So today, I would like to rant about STUPID PROTESTERS.



One of the Customer Services box offices that I work in has recently been put on some guy's "local black list" -- and please pay attention carefully, because it took me a couple of times to figure out how we were affiliated -- for having an advertisement in the same promo magazine of a local hotel that also had a promo ad for a fur company. So basically, this fur company paid to take out an ad, and we paid to take out an ad, and they put them together in this little "zine" the hotel puts in guest's rooms... a kind of "best of Vancouver" sort of thing.



So this animal-rights fanatic guy who, I will add, is not officially affiliated with PETA, from what I can see on their website or any of their official publishings, has sent out some information to Vancouver people claiming we have formed some form of "partnership" with this hotel that apparently "supports" fur companies. Remember... "supports" fur companies by taking their money and advertising for them. And our "partnership" is that we appear in the same magazine as them.



WTF, right?!



So how does this affect me? Well, dearies, I'll tell you. I had a 20-minute phone call today -- my first one, I might add, where I have ever consciously hung up on a customer mid-sentence -- with a woman who called for no other reason than to verbally vomit her entire belief system on my unsuspecting ears.



This leads me to ask... WHY, OH WHY, do these people feel the need to throw their beliefs at you like spears, like religious fanatics on some sort of zealot quest? The sheer irony of the fact that I'm living a lifestyle COMPLETELY endorsing animal rights would make me chuckle if I weren't so insensed right now.



The phone call started innocently enough... her asking for ticket prices, learning about price zones, asking about the performer, etc... and then it moved into the "do you have a partnership with this hotel?", and then turned into a FULL-BLOWN RANT. At first I thought she was joking, then I did all the things you're supposed to do, state the bare minimum, say "i don't know much about that but what I DO know is...", and ask to pass them on to someone who DOES know.



Wanna know what her response to the latter question was? "No, I don't want to be passed on, because then I talk to mail boxes or never get email responses. I want to talk to a live person".



I was tempted to say, "will any live person do? Here, let me grab a panhandler from the street to listen to you so i can GET TO MY FUCKING JOB, LADY".



Honestly, I think a panhandler could've done a better job than me.

So this conversation continues for the better part of 20 minutes, she starts telling me that "you really should know more about the company you work for, lots of companies like Lululemon are very aware of their partnerships [note: I didn't mention that Lulu mass produces in China and exploits labour rights through loopholes]"...and my favourite, "even when I go to the symphony and see people wearing furs I get realy angry..." until finally I start to get super riled up. At this point she's grinding on me. NONE, not one point, of her argument makes sense... how are we supposed to control what people fucking WEAR to the symphony? And I start to raise my voice... until I get to a point where I'm telling her that I'm really not the one she needs to speak to, that her calling and uselessly bombarding me energetically with her intense opinions is just WASTING MY TIME... and that's about when I saw my boss start waving his hands with fear in his eyes, and hanging up my phone line mid-sentence.

So here's my rant. I am ALL for passion... I am! I'm all for living creature's rights, and for living consciously, and for speaking for those who can't speak for themselves. What I AM against, however, is people who speak just for the sake of speaking. Honestly, I've never been, or spoken to, or associated myself with, this hotel... and yet, I felt like I was being attacked when all I was doing was trying to book tickets for this lady!

Why, oh why, do these people feel the need to attack those who are absolutely powerless to change things?! Or even worse, who feel loyal to the company they work for, and have absolutely no beef with it at all?

I encountered a similar situation to this while workign for Coca-cola over the Olympics. I LOVED working for Coke. Yes, I'm aware there is a lot of duality associated with working for this company and the product. But Coke treated me SO well. They hired INCREDIBLE people, who I worked with and made fast friends with (still in touch with, in fact). And yet, during the Torch relay, there were protestors who threw rocks and marbles at horses and people.

Is there someone out there who will tell me HOW this makes a difference?! Seriously, I'm all ears. Wouldn't storming politics, or actually protesting the people who have the power and the gall to make change, wouldnt' that be far more effective than pissing people off by vomiting your feelings all over them? Wouldn't warming people to your cause, helping them see things your way, be a far better use of your energy and your day, then spending hours at a time bangign your head against the wall and creating walls of negative energy?

I'll leave you with an analogy I'm reminded of. I used to watch The Polka Dot Door (any 80's kids out there with me? Dennis Simpson, anyone? :D), and sometimes the puppets used to tell stories. One such story was one of Mr. Sun and Mr. Rain. It goes as follows:

One day, there was a man walking with a rain coat on. Mr. Rain made a wager with Mr. Sun.

"I'll bet you," boasted Mr. Rain, "that I can make this man take off his rain jacket before you can."
Mr. Sun chuckled and said, "Oh you do, do you? Go ahead."

So Mr. Rain puffed himself up and turned on his highest power. He blew and blew and blew cold rain, sleet, and gale-force winds at the man. He was impressed with himself for showing off his prowress so well. Never before had he put such intense conditions at once; what a show he had!

But the more Mr. Rain blew, the harder and tighter the man pulled his raincoat around his shoulders.

Mr. Rain sighed.

"This is one lost cause. Good luck, Mr. Sun, this guy is a real stubborn ass. I'd like to see you try"

Mr. Sun smiled. "Are you finished, Mr. Rain?"

Mr. Rain rolled his eyes. "Yes."

Mr. Sun smiled even broader now, and gently began to shine. And shine. And shine. All the clouds parted, the breezes slowed down, and it got hotter.

The man in the trenchcoat started unbuttoning his jacket. Then opening it. And then... took it off.

Mr. Rain gasped. "How did you do that?" he asked, amazed.

Mr. Sun smiled again. "I just lived as I am, and the man made the choice for himself. I can't make anyone do anything... he had to choose what to do for himself."

Things that make you go "hmmmm", right?

On Monday, it will be the 4th year anniversary.

Four years since I was parked on by a car. 4 years since that first awful night in the hospital, not knowing what was going on. Since my life got flipped around, and I entered this hazy, middle-ground where things got both fuzzier and clearer at the same time.

It's emotional, you know? Something life-changing happens, and you're expected to just "move on". Pull those socks up. But my question to you is, do you ever "move on"? I ask this to you, to those of you who have suffered major traumatic, sudden experiences: perhaps a loss, perhaps an illness... perhaps you've survived, but do you still feel a little "damaged"? I do. Daily.

Some of the people in my life -- I suppose they believe they are helping -- are like, "but you can move on, you're strong". Perhaps I'm just a PMS-ing ball of mush right now ... but I've had a LOT happen recently, including some pretty crazy motion on the lawsuit front, and to that, I'd like to hold my 4th and pinkie fingers with my thumb, turn my hand knuckles out, and move my index and middle finger into an upward motion. (That's a derogatory move, in case I've over-explained the motion... I do that from time to time. Feel free to substitute for any other "up yours" move that you have)

Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel like this year was supposed to be, "for you?" That the New Year started, and there was this huge rush of energy, where you just felt like, "FINALLY! All this suffering was NOT for naught, no-siree-bob, 2010 is for ME!" And you went on your merry way, and perhaps encountered some challenges, but nothing you couldn't face, because there was suddenly this surge of "things-going-right"?

What happened to that?

This summer was supposed to be for ME. I was setting goals. I was following commitments. I was truly expanding my comfort zone, and growing, and all of those things Tony Robbins tells you to do.

And then... June came. And July. And now August.

And now it's been 4 years since The Event that Must Not Be Named... and here I am, living back at home, in the same room I moved back to 4 years ago, feeling the same pain, so much so tthat I'm starting to think just doesn't go away. I'm in that emotional space where I set up walls, and I shut down, and I lose hope. I get jealous, and scared, and I can't help myself but I still say things that I don't mean to people who are important to me. And the people close to me, in turn, go to their emotional defenses, and suddenly I'm spiky, and my partner's spiky, and I'm suddenly this terrified, lashing-out, robot of a human being, and he (rightly so), has had enough emotional drainage and he leaves the room ... so where do I go? Youuuu got it, abandonment. Damn you, daddy issues!!!!! UGGGGH!!! Will healing NEVER come?????

This may sound exactly like every other post I've ever posted... but will I ever have control of changing my thoughts and emotions? Tony Robbins, Abraham-Hicks, Cheryl Richardson, Louise Hay, and Deepak Chopra say I do.

I'm beginning to think they're lying.

Oooh, or maybe, they're aliens from outer space who have come to Planet Earth to taunt us with their incredible mind-changing powers... yeah, that's it, they have these powers and although they know we are completely unable to do what they do, they tell us we can, just so that we can howl in frustration trying to do the impossible.

Yes, that's most definitely it ... aliens from outer space. Not even just the rich "motivational" people, but really, anyone who's successful. Even your most successful of friends, you know the ones, those who are always just one step ahead of you with their success and their positive, "go-getter" personality. Fuck them. Aliens. All of them.

So once again, I start a blog with one intention, and it turns into a lashing-out on alien mind-shifters who are planning to kill the normal people with their insidious ways.

But please, please, please, dear readers, please tell me I'm not crazy. I'm allowed to wallow a little, after 4 years of awful, awful stuff... and please tell me that the aliens are really out to get us.

Love, love, love.