Monday, June 14, 2010
You know when you experience things in the spur of the moment, and you are like a THOUSAND percent sure that the world is going to end... and then it doesn't? And then it's like this weird space -- half numbed, half-filled with flashbacks of how STUPID you were, how SUCKY last night was, the teensiest bit better, but filled with thoughts of trying to numb it all out?
That's how I feel. Today SUCKED. I was crying so hard as I was walking down the street that 2 different panhandlers, on 2 separate occasions, asked me if I was ok. Seriously.
I've shared my story with a few different people, gotten a few different perspectives, too, since last night. Some super sweet ones, some kick-in-the-ass-it-hurts-but-its-the-truth ones. I heard their words. Yes, "heard". Doesn't mean I'll listen but I heard.
I'll try and relay the wisdom of the very wise goddesses in my life as best I can. (Trust me, they've said it much better than I ever could). I'm putting them in order of what's easiest for me to believe right now, down to what's hardest to believe.
1. This too shall pass. india.arie said it best, I'm sure some other people in history have said it too. Ten years from now... heck, six months from now, this will feel like a small blip -- and if i treat it right away with the "right" cosmic energy, it won't even leave a scar.
2. I'm not the only one involved in this decision. There is somebody else's needs to consider here, someone who I've come to really love and care for very strongly.
3. It's not meant to be... it's just not my time to shine yet...these things happen for a reason. Hoo boy, that's a hard one. When it's not just any opportunity, but a dream role you've seen yourself as for years and years and years... and suddenly it's offered on a silver platter and then even more suddenly it's taken away... how the F*CK do you see it as "not meant to be"????? Because -- seriously now Mr. Panhandler, what MORE does a girl have to do? Going hard into debt for attending a prestigious musical theatre school... having a Masters Degree in Theatre? Getting crushed by a car and learning about universal laws? Auditioning for 4 years and doing more free shows than the guy across the street who walks naked in his apartment regularly? And, while we're on this, do tell Mr. Panhandler, what is this REASON? Hasn't a girl had enough REASONS ? Doesn't a girl get a freaking BREAK from REASON from time to time?
4. I am talented and my time will come. This one is just like the last one, only in reverse. And because it's in the positive... I am that much less prepared to accept it. GOD it's hard to think in the positive in this mind-set.
But... it's perspective, isn't it. What is reality without our filters? Our zany, damaged, certifiably insane filters.
OK, the end. Until the beginning. Or maybe this is the middle. I suppose it depends on your perspective....
Posted by Megan Phillips at 3:30 PM
Have you ever had an upcoming opportunity that you were living for? Fighting for? Have you ever had something that was so incredible that it kept you going, even when times were really tough? And you could tell yourself, "well, this is all just a stepping stone, and this unbelievable, fantastic opportunity that is coming up, that will for sure happen, it will be worth what you I am doing now, I can't even believe this is going to happen to me, I am the luckiest girl alive?"
And now, imagine that this opportunity - promised to you by someone you dearly love and trust-- this light at the end of the tunnel, this beautiful mirage of wonder... imagine that just as it's coming into your grasp... it gets yanked away. The same loving hand that promised it to you has cruelly pulled it out of your very close hand and given it to the hand of someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate it, someone who couldn't think twice about it.
I wish I could get more into specifics. And of course I know that because I'm writing in the midst of some serious emotional pain so of course I am overreacting. But this pain, it feels like someone is rubbing scathing coals all over my burned entrails. Every so often I get a gasp where I have to cry because that is the only way I know how to deal with the fact that I have lost a LOT of faith in my confidence that my career will one day take off. That I will, one day, actually get a role that I can be proud of ... a real one, not a false hope, not a pipedream.
It is rocking my faith in the Universal Plan, and certainly in my "belief" that eventually, things work out. Because they certainly don't feel like it today. So Angels, if you're there, if there has ever been a cry for help... this is it.
Posted by Megan Phillips at 12:38 AM