Thursday, August 2, 2012
6 Years ago, I was in London, UK. I was about to graduate Musical Theatre School in London. I was heading towards a path of staying in the country and becoming a working (famous?) actress. I was attending many dance classes a week, and had a lot of support behind me. And 6 years ago today, as I was running to catch the bus for one such dance class, a car came seemingly out of nowhere and parked on my left foot. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I had one surgery, and then 3 months later I had another, after returning to Vancouver, BC (Canada), where I am from, and got taken care of. I expected to recoup for 6 months then head back there. But that's not what happened.
I stayed in Vancouver. It didn't get better. It got arthritic. I started to limp, more and more. I did some shows and realized that I'm not physically even close to where I was before the accident. There is a great deal I cannot do, and even more that I should not try to do.
Lots of you know this story inside and out. Every year that goes by, I become more and more distanced from the Accident, and more solid in who I am - NOW. I am constantly meeting new (and connecting with old) peoples, teachers along the way.
So what's the purpose of the blog? All of the above, I've said a million times about it. I've written a show about it, for Chrissake. This story is my story, and it's formed life as I am.
I suppose I write this blog with the intention to state that this cycle is on its way out. It may not be OVER completely - there is always work to be done - but there is no deadweight holding me down anymore. There is no looking over my shoulder to see if the Guy Who Hit Me's Lawyers are secretly videotaping me to use in court. The crippling fear of not succeeding has nowhere near the strength it had in 2006. I have a partner who loves me, a show I'm proud of, and an incredible support system. I still have a foot that's my own foot.
Yes. I write this blog to say that I am ready to move forward. It's scary, but it's happening. And finally, I'm ready. Yes, and thank you.
Posted by Megan at 10:49 AM
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Of course that is a massive stereotype. But this blog all started with being kinda tired on a drizzly Saturday evening. I didn't really know what movie to watch, so I Googled "good movies to watch" (creative, right?) - and came across this link from Gala Darling (who looks like a pretty wicked awesome lady actually). And for the record, just reading her movie selection made me realize that her and I could for sure be friends.
So one of the movies on the list was "But I'm a Cheerleader" - looked cute and funny (RuPaul plays an "ex-gay" and wears short shorts, I mean how could I not watch it?!) So I watched the silly, campy movie, and it was exactly as I thought it would be (silly and campy).
But while watching it, I realized: this is actually something that people do in the world today. There are loving parents out there who are, in fact, so scared themselves of 'veering away from God's path' that they send their children to camps to "pray away the gay", "butch up", and use the argument that you can quit from drugs or alcohol, so why can't you quit from gay thoughts.
Not entirely believing that Conversation Therapy was a thing, I wikipedia'd it (thank you Internet!). Sure enough, I came across a few organizations: the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality) and Exodus. I spent my morning reading arguments and studies on why kids of same-sex couples have grown up with "negative" consequences, and how "participants [report] positive outcomes from [conversion] therapy". This is a direct quote from Julie Hamilton, the Ph.D. 'd head of NARTH, by the way. In fact, upon learning that she gives presentations on her beliefs, I watched a YouTube clip of hers entitled "Homosexuality 101". She's actually a great speaker, for the record. She and NARTH hold firm to the belief that - to summarize - people are not born gay and do not choose to be gay. They theorize that while there are a bunch of reasons why a person "turns" gay, a predominant one is that a child's relationship with his/her parent is broken through some traumatic event, and so this child finds solace identifying with traits of the opposite gender. This "conversion therapy" seeks for every person to dig down into their memories, find that event, and heal it. Amongst other things. CNN did a great 3-part story on the research and everything leading to it.
So while absorbing all of this this morning, I thought a bunch of things. Most of which won't make it on this blog because chances are, if you're reading this, you think like me, let's be honest, you're someone who's clicked on the link off my Facebook page, and I don't really need to preach to the converted. And I'm not a debator or an academic because when I get passionate about things, my thoughts just get muddled with emotion so please excuse any technical inaccuracies and/or my lack of through-line.
But allow me to list off just a few of the thoughts that are circling through my head right now:
- People spend time, resources, and money on this as a social cause? And not just a little money. A LOT of money. Those fancy websites and impressive conventions are not cheap.
- This Julie lady is a wonderful speaker, and clearly an excellent academic due to completing her Ph.D. and her ability to craft a persuasive argument. So why can't she be a good speaker on other things? What drives her so deeply to spend her life "curing" people of homosexual lifestyles?
- For that matter, what do any of these people think when they look in the mirror? Is it really that much more important to them to have a traditional male-female relationship than a same-sex relationship with love and support? To live by severe boundaries than explore who they are?
- And lastly, perhaps what bugs me the most is that there are these educated people (although biased, they are educated) who form arguments that, at first glance, can sound reasonable, effective even. These arguments reach perhaps less-educated people that really only desire love and acceptance in their community (let's call it a church community). And suddenly, the way to receive love and acceptance is to follow this message.
- How did the anti-gay-rights movement start? Yes I know it's been something that's been thought for ages. But WHY did someone EVER think a gay lifestyle was wrong?
So I thought, If I were to engage in an argument with someone believing firmly in this stance (thankfully, I don't know anyone personally), what would I say?
To be honest, I don't know. Because I'd probably argue really poorly and then end the discussion with me allowing them to be entitled to their beliefs. Which to be honest, is probably an excellent thing because arguments where the other person doesn't listen are never helpful.
But if I were to engage, I'd probaby ask - WHY IS HOMOSEXUALITY WRONG? How can you compare Drinking or Smoking to Homosexuality? Drinking causes harm to yourself. Maybe harm to others if you're abusive. Maybe you can be in an abusive same-sex relationship. Perhaps sex with someone who has an STD is bad. But let's be honest, STDs and STIs are definitely NOT limited to gay sex. This page supports that children from same-sex parents are less likely to have lower levels of happiness and are more likely to be abused, either as children or adults (of course, it also doesn't ask children who have grown up with same-sex parents, only who have had same-sex parents at the time of the questionnaire, so it's entirely likely their childhood could have included an unhappy heterosexual relationship stemming to their issues). To that I say, "and you are relying on a study rather than your own heart"?
And it's quite obvious that that's where the debate/argument would end, as you can tell I sometimes run out of logical things to say. Yup, remind me never to enter that argument.
So, I'm not a Christian. I don't understand so-called Christian values, co-habitation doesn't seem wrong to me. Marriage doesn't seem right to me (really? It's a thing to commit the rest of your life to one person, because you are completely sure that neither of you will ever change?)
But I do very much believe that we should all have a right to our own opinions as long as they don't harm others. I have a cousin who just recently had a very Christian wedding - while I definitely did not enjoy the dogmatic speeches of the guests/wedding party, I love hanging around my cousin. I believe people are people. Let's just do things that make us happy and if they are hurting other people, chances are they're not making us truthfully happy.
I really admire the strong people who make the stance to go against the grain, but moreso the pioneers who did it at a time when NARTH's view was the world view (Gertrude Stein comes to mind). I can't even imagine the horror, and the bravery, and the extreme tancity it must've taken to live solidly by their lifestyle at a time when it meant social excommunication.
I have a male cousin who, at 10, is quite effiminate in mannerisms (and actually can be a little bitchy to his younger brother - we'll have to watch that). But he is an AMAZING performer and his parents support him in all they do. I can't even imagine if he had to go to "conversion therapy" - I look at all the potential he has to create incredible things, and I think, if he had to spend his entire life trying to be approved by changing the the way he speaks or judging the people he finds attractive, he would have a VERY different life.
As I stated early on, I'm not one to go to every pride rally and write picket signs and elicit donations. Sometimes I wish I was, but that's not me. However, I felt the need to state my opinion on this topic, especially as July is coming to a close, a time when cities all over have Pride Parades (which are often just an excuse to wear underwear and glitter, but hey, at least it celebrates that we can do that).
So I'll just end this by asking: if you "pray away the gay", what do you indeed become? I'd think just someone who's spending their daily existence shrouded in emotional baggage. Can't we all just seek love in our lives, and focus on the addictions that really do matter?
Posted by Megan at 10:43 AM
Friday, September 16, 2011
So I am Canadian. I am more Canadian than most people I know. In fact, I think I am more Canadian than ALL people I know. I'm serious. I can trace my mama's family history back to Spanish John Macdonell, who basically got pissed off at England owning Scotland (post-Culloden), and he was one of the main Canadian signatures on some official documents. And then there's my Dad's family, who were bakers in Bristol, UK, who decided that they were stuck where they were, and they moved to Canada to be amongst the wilderness and hang out with some Indians (his word not mine!, as written in a 1914 letter home).
The irony is that many of my family has passed through the States en route to Canada, decided they didn't like it, and they moved north. Which I suppose has done my fam really well so far.. until me.
I spent my childhood pining for New York City. All I wanted was a chance to live there and work there. Vancouver was like, been there done that. And then 9/11 happened and suddenly any hope I had of living there under the radar evaporated.
I am Canadian. I like to play it safe. I like to ask permission before I do anything out of the ordinary. Also, I am from Vancouver. So suffice it to say i run a little bit slower than the rest of the pack.
I have a cousin, from Hamilton, ON, who was born in Portland, because his dad (a doctor) was doing some residency in the States and was there for only a matter of WEEKS. And because of that, he can live anywhere in the States he'd ever want to and the customs operators will hold out their arms and say, Welcome Home, we can't wait for you to pay our taxes! And yet when I show up... it's, "hi, come spend money here for 6 months, but ope, don't you dare stay any longer! Or you'll get deported and blacklisted! Ok welcome here's a list of hotels!"
And I am pining--aching-- to leave and work in different countries, to add to their value as a society, to bring my education and work experience and zeal for life to their economy, to spend my hard-earned money purchasing their very expensive organic, gluten-free, vegan products and perhaps one day investing in their real estate market.
A very good girlfriend of mine is from a tiny town outside of Chicago. She is one of the most talented, professional, and sweet makeup artists I have ever met. She came to Vancouver just about 2 years ago to attend a 1-year program at VFS. And she fell in love with this city and met a great boy from Columbia who also loves this city. And they are fighting, FIGHTING, tooth and nail, to stay here. She just got employed in a dreaded full-time office job -- that doesn't really give much time for her to pursue her passion -- simply because they will give her residency here. She is giving up time from her life to work in something she doesn't really believe in because she so wholly believes in her place in Vancouver and one day as a sought-after makeup artist in Van.
But here is this amazing, talented, kind chicka who just wants to live, work, and pay taxes in Vancouver, but she was born south of the border, and therefore our government makes it insanely difficult for her. And here's me, very educated and with much work experience, and all I wanna do is book that flight to NYC and be a starvin actress who pays her rent on time and serves people food or answers phone calls in the daytime... and the US government makes it very clear that to try without a visa or green card would mean that I'm obviously a terrorist. For god's sakes, I'd even pay for my own medical bills!!! Did I mention that I look and talk the same as your average Yank?? I've even started to say "PRAH-cess" instead of "PROH-cess", and "SAW-ree" instead of "SOH-ree".
We live in a time of CHANGE. 2012, Yes We Can, a black president and a white prime minister who holds kittens for photo ops. Gay marriage is legal in many places and I can make cheap-to-free phone calls as long as I have internet access. A lot of the Star Trek gadgets are becoming commonplace items to have (iPad anyone!), and more and more people work from home or abroad because we are all connected through the Internet.
And yet... if I spend more than 6 months in the US or UK without a visa or sponsorship, I may be deported with no chance of ever seeing that country again. C'mon world, just because my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents... and so on and so forth for at least 7 generations, never wanted to leave the land of maple trees and angry french people, doesn't mean that I shouldn't get a CHANCE.
It's my -- our -- generation that is to be the next leading force in the world. Please, I ask of you, help us to lax up these laws. We've gotten so fear-driven - might i even say, paranoid - that we are stunting our growth as a society. And yes, I realize there are reasons for laws. I'm sure there are many out htere who will gladly argue with me as to the importance of these laws.
But for heaven's sake: NO, I'm not a terrorist. NO, I won't take jobs from your average American (if anything I'll just trade with the ones who want to move to Canada!) YES, I will add to your society and YES you will love me.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I highly recommend any of you, considering to take a week to Shape-Up your life, to take a "Do-It-Now" Week. It really is amazing what the universe will throw towards you.
So many events have happened it's tough to put it in words... but namely, a 24-hour film festival, a great film class, and ideas that I've been tossing around are starting to come into fruition. How cool is THAT! I'm getting so busy that my days are starting to fill up, so I really must be aware of what I am manifesting, and to ensure I'm taking time for myself, my relationship, and namely growth... but life is good. I'm also too busy to get in all of my Daily Actions still... but I've been ensuring to check in with gratitude daily. That is the big one I feel I cannot drop.
Next week is confidence week. Each day, I will give myself a little "I am confident" affirmation... "What Would _____ (insert confident woman icon in my life here) Do?"
I will also OFFICIALLY announce... that I am launching my Arbonne Business as an Individual Consultant! Woo hoo!!! So if any of you are just DYING for some awesome possum product... at least give 'er a once over... www.meganphillips.myarbonne.ca
OK. Here's confidence vibes to everyone... Let's ROCK Week 13... only a few more weeks to go... like 4 weeks or something ridiculous. Final sprint will begin soon!
Love and hugs,
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
So, admittedly. I have been BAAAD. In fact, it was a facebook message from a friend that caused me to even consider writing this blog because I tell you.... since my tonsillectomy, Sundays kept coming and going faster and faster until finally we were approaching the last Sunday in April and... it's been almost 2 months since I've posted. That's like, half this challenge?!
So that is Megster dropping the ball. And I won't lie. I've been dropping the ball concerning Morning Pages, a little bit with food awareness, meditation, and nature appreciation. HOWEVER. The remaining activities, I have never felt more excited about. In fact, I honestly feel that the work I did in Jan/Feb/March has led me to a place where I feel more pumped than I've felt in a WHILE. By the graces of all the incredible people and energies that have guided/pushed/pulled me places... I am SO full of gratitude.
OK so I've also not been paying attention to my weekly themes... recently... and that, I accept responsibility for. Once again, I am demonstrating a pattern of throwing myself out the gate at 650 mph, then getting exhausted 10 minutes later and lying down until the race is over.
However... as growth and changes happen... I suppose the good thing is that THIS race, the "120 days to change" race, is NOT over! (that's why I gave myself 4 months peeps -- cuz I knew that a slump was totally inevitable and I wanted to give myself time to burst forth with new energy!).
And I will say this. Yes, this is a pattern of mine... to start strong and finish last (if I finish at all)... HOWEVER. As I mentioned, I truly believe that the last 3 months of work have culminated in all of the exciting opportunities that have been showing themselves to me recently (too numerable to mention them all... but they involve employment, creative, physical, and financial /career areas). And due to these wonderful opportunities and showering of unexpected gifts (ummm, yeah I'm talking to you, unexpected cheque-in-the-mail-from-the-government!), I have truly been focussing my time and effort on growing those little seeds into the beautiful fauna that they have the potential to be.
So instead of regretting the past. I focus on the present, and the final quarter of this AMAZING adventure I've been riding on (and you who've been doing it with me). And -- full circle (could it be any other way??) -- how fitting that the one week I get a reminder email from this dear friend, is the week of DO IT NOW.
So I challenge you -- any readers out there -- to inspire yourself, and perhaps a few others around you -- to spend this week just frickin' DOING IT! Because what are you waiting for? I was recently listening to a speaker, and she said that she was given an opportunity that she felt in her bones of bones was right for her, yet there was some fear blocking her before she jumped in. And she asked herself then -- as I ask you now -- "If I keep doing what I'm doing the same way I'm doing it, where will I be in 5 years time?"
I"ll ask it again.
"If you keep doing what you're doing right now, where will you be in 5 years time?"
And hey, maybe that will be the promotion you are working HARD at achieving, with the steps you've set out for yourself along the way. Awesome!!! Keep following that path, baby!!! Or maybe - as I was feeling recently - seeing yourself in the same position you're in now is the most horrible, soul-sucking, life-threatening thing possible. And yet you haven't made any changes.
So what change can you make... NOW? Big or small, doesn't matter.
I'd love to hear your choices... because they inspire me!
Speaking of which... committing to being on time and all... here I go. Love and light and hugs.
Posted by Megan at 11:17 AM
Sunday, March 13, 2011
OK you don't understand -- well how could you, you can't read my mind (can you?!) -- let me back up a little bit. I'll explain in a sec. FIRST, let me do a quick recap:
IN SUM: <-- ooh, that sounds kinda official doesn't it? I like it ;) Ok. Seriously. So after last week, the totally uninspired, i-feel-icky-and-watched-tv-all-day week, this week was like a COMPLETE reversal. Thank the heavenly beings that Be!
PHYSICAL BODY: I am -- miraculously -- the same weight as in Week 2. woo! I've been super committed to doing exercise every day -- be it gym, yoga, or swimming. I feel supported, and I feel like body and I are slowly becoming pals again. That's very exciting.
Upcoming, I will be healing from tonsil surgery so I intend to be very easy on myself, and just focus on the visualization and mind-healing, and treating my body with nourishing food and gentle exercise over the coming weeks.
HEALTH & ENERGY: It has been an INSPIRATIONAL weekend. I was volunteering at this event called the I Can Do It! Conference, it featured a whoooole bunch of inspirational teachers and authors who have guided me and my ankle to the incredible place I'm in now. To see them -- real, live people -- speaking up there, as well as having spent the weekend with a great pal who is clearly a soul-friend that I was supposed to meet on set last week was a gift.
Upcoming, I hope to have the energy to do just one little thing on the to-do list daily. Tuesday might be a gong show, and depending on how the pain is wed-friday, I'm aware I may not have the energy... but it would be pretty cool if I were able to get started on cleaning my desk or sorting through the itunes.
CREATIVE ACCOMPLISHMENTS: HANG UP THE PHONE PEOPLE MEGAN HAS BEEN WRITING. And not just random little ditties I'll never show anyone: I have been writing real scripts, with a friend. I have also had a few ideas for musical and song ideas (inspired by this weekend!), so who knows where we'll go with that. Upcoming this week, it would be awwwesome if I could do a little bit each day. I may ask my stepmom to bring my guitar over from my parent's place... who knows... maybe I'll write a little ditty?
SELF-ESTEEM: Yup, this week has done wonders. I neglected to mention that I have taken this week to not watch TV. Although it has been harrrd in some ways, I really do think that taking time away from the boob tube has contributed to an overall feeling of achievement, which has blossomed through to taking time to write, and sing, and do happy dances, and meet people.
It's also helped that there have been no new episodes in ANY of my favourite shows. Not that I've checked.
Upcoming, I honestly feel like the only achievement/self-esteem I need to live up to is healing, meditating with my new meditation CDs (!) daily, and anything else will be a bonus!
FINANCES & CAREER: This one has been stumping me. I feel I'm in this limbo performing-wise, because of the upcoming surgery and the recent voice issues. My "biz venture" ideas that have been coming with alacrity have been leaving with an equal fervor. I'm broke. I'm sorry universe -- I know I shouldn't state things as I don't like it because it's an affirmation -- but I've just gotta say it like it is -- I'm BROOOOOOOKE!
Upcoming... I just don't know. I'm keeping with the creative, and tonight i'm listening to a sweet-as meditation from a lady who apparently has done some great work in the past... I'm open, and I'm ready, and I'm learning about what to do and change.
MENTORS: I've had about 4 mentors in mind all week -- all of which are peers, and it's like I carried them around on my shoulder in different situations. I would see how one of them acted in a situation, and I pretended to act like them. I think that has been a major factor in helping me overcome watching TV daily, as well as improving my activity and eating from last week. I'm aware I still have a long way to go but -- as one of my mentors would say -- focus on your successes and live in the moment. Also, this weekend has been TOTALLY mentor-stacked with the conference, so yay!
THIS WEEK: OK. So at the beginning of this blog, the vomit-in-the-mouth thing, let me explain.
So one of the speakers I watched - Caroline Myss - what a freaking lady. She talked about many things today... but mostly, that we carry around 12 different archetypes in our psyche. Some of them we're proud of, like the Goddess and the Charismatic Child and all that. But then there are some we like to pretend we don't have... like the Sabateur, the Gambler, the Vampire... I can get into this a little later. But suffice it to say that we, essentially, walk around with a narcissistic ego that is SO terrified of not being Enough that it likes to overcompensate ... and say, "you need THIS and this and this to be Enough", and so we state our RIGHTS to others -- usually our partners -- "I need THIS from you to survive, otherwise I'm walking away". And we don't open ourselves to their needs.
In a word, we have this entitlement that the Narcissistic Ego likes to perpetuate.
Now why is it so fitting that this week is one to tackle weaknesses? Because this morning, when Caroline was speaking about this entitlement that we carry around, I got this feeling that was like, goosebumps combined with upchuck. It was a strong call to action... that THIS is what has been getting in the way of my financial abundance and success with my career. And I resolved that this was the next stage for me to work on: becoming aware of, and combatting my "demons", as Caroline calls them.
So after a lovely chat with Ms. Marion Piper, and heading to the blog, what crosses my consciousness but... "tackling weaknesses". Meant to be, much?
So here's to a kick-ass week. Thank you for being readers on this journey. It's nice to have something to feel accountable to. Much love, light, and good vibes -- have an INCREDIBLE, strength-filled week and we'll see you next week (however light and drugged up the post may be!)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Woo hoo! First off, need a little celebration that I've made it through ONE MONTH! That's a quarter of the way through! Even though I haven't been perfect -- far from it, actually -- I'm still going forward. And those times when I take a couple days off, and though I've seen very few tangible results, I still have a strong underlying faith that this is my path. Month 1 has been a month of trial & error... month 2 is about determination and discipline.
Also -- can I just say -- it's exciting to be posting ON TIME, for once. I feel like the worst of the emotional storm has come and passed... at least I hope so. I do know that I feel energized and motivated to cross things off the to-do list, which is more than I can say over the past couple of days (weeks even?) -- so I don't want to jinx anything. One day at a time, right?
So to recap over this past week:
PHYSICAL BODY: I'm pretty sure I've gained. Alas. I've been on set (more about that later), and let me tell you: there is an overwhelming abundance of food in that extra tent... enough that could feed small villages for days I am sure! And with the emotional ick that I've been feeling, there's been much of self-medicating. That being said, the physical body has been falling by the wayside though there has been advancement in other areas.
HEALTH & ENERGY: Doing night shoots over the past week has really done a number on my Circadian cycle. That being said. As I write below, it was extremely re-inspiring to be around movie stars and movie people who are incredibly successful and lovely.
CREATIVE ACCOMPLISHMENTS: I worked on set, doing my 2nd background gig ever, for a major film. I submitted my show to a festival. I watched a great deal of TV and movies (not sure if those are Accomplishments, per se, seeings how they were me being both exhausted and hiding from emotions, but sometimes I watched them with an objective eye so i'll call those creative accomplishments!)
SELF-ESTEEM: I met some truly rad people on set, and it made me very happy to be me during that time on set.
FINANCE & CAREER: I REALLY realized how much I love being on set. I know that as background, I don't do a whole lot... but just hanging around, and watching all these people being so passionate about working for 12-13 hours at a time, to make a movie... it was EXTREMELY re-inspiring.
GOOD VIBES TO OTHERS: This was AWESOME!!! I want to do this again!!!! It's so easy. Honestly. I had 2 separate events with family members that were super painful, and I found that just thinking good things about them was helpful afterwords. Not sure if it made a difference, but it definitely helped me internally. I totally recommend this!
TRIBUTE TO MENTORS WEEK: OK so this week upcoming is about paying tribute to mentors. There are 2 ways I'd like to do this: first, to imitate mentors. (Because, as Marion pointed out earlier, imitation IS the best form of tribute/flattery!) I have a couple in mind that are SO incredible and confident -- ways that I would like to be -- so I'm going to have "Act like ______" days.
And second, to send emails, or other ways of directly paying tribute to them. I'm totally looking for ideas... I've posted on Facebook ... if any of you reading this have ideas, please comment or email me -- I'll let you know how this week goes!
As always, thanks for your love and support, and keep being strong! Month 2, here we come!
Lots of love,