Monday, December 14, 2009

My ego hurts.

So I'm bruised, I'm broken, and I'm sad.

You know when things are going really well -- like, REALLY well -- and then you realize you've built this platform out of paper that suddenly collapses in front of you?

You know, like, you've given it your all, and that's the scariest point to be in because you're fucking VULNERABLE? There's a reason I stepped back for 2 years. A reason that I hated this industry, and this life path, and people associated with it, and I just STOPPED.

There's a reason I separated myself from people, relationships, gentlemen callers, and physical exercise regiments. Because the ego likes to latch on, and latch to an expected outcome. And if the outcome turns out differently than my sky-high expectations, the pain becomes entirely unbearable.

I'll get through this - I know I will - this just happens to be the way I'm feeling right now. It also just happens to be all-encompassing.

Update: I began this blog 2 nights ago with pain, fear, and anger broiling through every part of my body. But it's been 1 day and 2 sleeps since then... and I begin to realize these feelings for just what they are: feelings. Life keeps trucking along, and I can choose to step on the train or stay at the station, licking my wounds. Now, I'm not saying that licking the wounds isn't necessary to clean out what caused them in the first place...just that the train will always be waiting there for me, ready to take me forward.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Day 9 - the end of the LINE!


So, I guess I made it?

Finishes are always awkward with me, I've found. I find I'm more of a start-er, ya know? Someone who likes to throw a lot of energy into things, even into the preparation of things... and it's the *finishing* and the *following-up* of things that I find I have issues with.

So, the end of this week got busy again. It started very strong, and then the last 3 days sort of crumbled... but not in ways that I had feared at the outset. In fact, all in all, I am thoroughly impressed with Body. Mega's Body has lasted in remarkable ways -- ways I never had imagined she could, with her history of "fearing discipline". Uber-discipline over these past 9 days has never tasted so good. Pardon the pun.

It's true, though. I had fears of bingeing, of throwing it all to hell, and of really honestly feeling like I could not make it. In fact, my *biggest* fear was just that: what if I really, truly, could not fulfill these 10 simple days I had put out for myself? And if I couldn't do that, what else would I not be able to accomplish I had set out for myself?

And the beauty lies in the fact that: well, yes Megz, it is really and truly possible to set goals for yourself, and to accomplish them. And to do it in a way that is light-hearted, and joyful, and fun.. and full of support. And even though I may be exhausted after returning home from work at 12:30am... I committed to writing a blog, so write a blog I shall.

And then there will be more commitments tomorrow. And that's ok too.

So these are the learnings. That beyond the details: the being hungry, the hating it, the loving it, the barfing, the dropping a pant size, the comments of you amazing readers.... there lies this glowing feeling of accomplishment that only I can claim.

And claim it I shall!

So... I'd love to end it there (and were this a Hollywood script, I would!).... but, ah yes, "following up".

I have a plan. I meet with Gelina, the greatest nutritionist there is, tomorrow morning, and we concoct some form of 3-month outline. The goal is 2 weeks of pure foods, and 3 months of eating a planned lifestyle, with regular check-ins. And in January, I re-evaluate the situation and take it from there: perhaps attempt a longer Master Cleanse, decide which foods belong in my diet, etc. etc.

So perhaps I will blog about that...and perhaps I'll keep with the daily blog. No promises. But tomorrow, the situation will be evaluated and encouraged. I'll post it if anything changes.

One last honourable mention: thanks to you kids who read this stuff. Without you, there would be no inner musings published to both Blogger and Facebook. Thanks for your support, wisdom, and space to hold me accountable.

Much, much much love. Until next time....


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Super-8 was not quite so super... was it?

I cheated today.

Yup, it's true. Go ahead and gasp, and judge, and do all you want... whatever you do, I've done it to myself already.

Today was "juice" day: fruit and veggie juice, with the option of soup stock if I wanted. Today was also "integrity" day. Hmmmm.

Today was a BIG day... high-pressure, interviewing for an interesting organization on-site of their big workshops they're doing as a follow-up to a big presentation day they had in October. The organization is so motivating, but there are a whole lot of factors to take into consideration if I am offered the job.

So in short, a very big, stressful day.

Not to mention feeling very broken emotionally last night.

So I went to Jessi's house and sat on her couch, and felt so emotionally drained, and was venting. Jess offered me food: I declined. She said they were beans, I could have some if I wanted. I said no, again.

And then I spent the next 1/2 hour dreaming about beans. My resolve was down.

So you know what happened... I ate the beans.

"They're just beans," I convinced myself, "I'm going to eat whole foods tomorrow ANYWAY".

OK, I'm just gonna barrel on through the next hour. Basically, I had 2 pieces of homemade carrot cake (gluten free, sugar free, made with homemade carrot pulp), and 1 piece of banana bread. I won't get into the gory details because I don't want to. I just need to be accountable.

And I actually- though feeling slightly remorseful - am so glad I get to be accountable to you lovely folk. Because although there are only 2 days left on this, "my" cleanse, I do want to spend the next 2 weeks eating very diligently. But what is diligence if not for some breaking of the rules?

Hmmmm. An issue I grapple with daily, I suppose.

So long story short, I cheated, I'm exhausted, and I hope you forgive me for it. And tomorrow, I do very much intend on staying true to my strength.

My how I love you,

Monday, October 19, 2009

DAY SHEVEN... not just a cool type of faucet.

Yes, the Sheven is a versatile faucet, it rotates, and does these crazy things. My parents actually have one. They're quite nice.

So how does this relate to my cleanse? Besides the fact that they, like the after-effects of a cleanse, are sleek and smooth and they too pour liquid out an opening in the rear of their bodies; a "Sheven" faucet sounds quite similar to "seven" pronounced with a slight speech impediment.

So there you are on that.

"How about the cleanse??? Did you eat today? Did you keep going on the Master? What the heck did you do?!" You ask vehemently.... fine! I'll tell you!! Stop pestering me, you crazy kids!


First of all, I started with waking up this morning, and feeling like I could most definitely go with the Master (ie, nothing but water and Cleanse tea) for at least one more day. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I began to reconsider that. I began to realize that there are a lot of things working against going without food for a longer period of time: I have an ultra-busy week ahead of me, and a very important day tomorrow, and I do want to get back into pushing myself physically in swimming and biking. Moreover, my original intention was to be back into Ease-Out Day 1 today... and my theme of the day today was NURTURE. So why not let the Orange Juice and Ease-In juices nurture me?

So that's what I chose to do. Had about 3 glasses of OJ and lotsa water and tea... and all was well.

I had a moment around lunch I was reading this phenomenal book (which I will get to momentarily), and the author was describing this amazing Indian food he had eaten while in India. I could almost taste it... my tummy started to rumble. And not 2 minutes later - no word of a lie - the person in front of me was served the most delicious-smelling and looking Chicken Curry plate I have EVER experienced. Oh my god. It was like torture. I was sooooo close to throwing in the towel then and there!!! Thank GOD for the physical effects that commitments are having on my body nowadays because, geez, had I not been committed to a cause that was becoming greater than myself... no friggin way would I have made it past those 20 minutes of tortorously delicious smells and sights.

And by the way, I say "greater than myself" ... because I need to reinforce - to you, but mostly to me - that this "Cleanse" is so much MORE than a cleanse for my body. It's a cleanse for my WORLD. My inner world. It's a cleanse as a metaphor for life. For me to think clearer, act stronger, be lighter. To FEEL things more. Do you ever notice how we numb so much out with our food, that we become so stuffed we can't feel a thing?! What a crazy thing!!! It's all well and good to be stuffed... but to do so regularly... and THEN, our bodies begin to show these trapped feelings and unsaid points of view, so we add WEIGHT. what is weight? HEAVINESS. Heaviness on our bodies, and our hearts. Ahhhh... the one thing that we love with... and they go under attack from the heaviness. Interesting.

So then it gets really weird, because we notice these changes in our body, all these trapped judgments.... and we begin to judge it?! So we start pushing our body more, or eating different foods - factory-produced "100-calorie packs" , guzzling Chemical-filled soda - and putting these harsh issues on ourselves, meanwhile we do NOTHING to look at what is so toxic in our lives that we need to stuff ourselves full of toxins?

And hey - I am just as guilty as the rest of you. Lord knows I love a good diet Coke and I've had my fair share of binging on carrots to stay in my point-range on WW.

But honestly, folks... who am I kidding? The moment I finish my binge... I'm back to dealing with the issues I first started with. Because, I'll have to deal with them some way or another... Shoving things in my mouth that taste good has been an excellent buffer and procrastination tactic.

I think all of these issues are on my mind for several reasons: first, because I've finished the FIRE of the master cleanse and am back to the transition phases... much like a recovering addict in rehab, I'm nearing the end of my program and soon will be back in the open. Where things aren't restricted to me because "I'm on a cleanse". Where Meg's Mind likes to make looots of excuses for breaking resolutions that were wimpy in the first place.

Second, because I'm becoming very immersed in this company, Free the Children, a really phenomenal company committed to children freeing other children from child slavery through education. Simple as that. They go into 3rd world communities and do what they can to save these kids whose lives are so vastly different from ours... and the more interested I become in that, the more my own previous issues seem to melt in front of my very eyes.

By the way, that was the book I mentioned earlier. "Free the Children " By Craig Kielburger. I so recommend it.... it's really a well-narrated, fascinating read.

Ok, so I've made my social statements for the evening... check. Blogged about drinking lots of things... check. Made it obscenely long for a busy person to read all the way through... check, check, check.

My work is done here. Happy Sheven-hunting to y'all. I love you from the inside out...!!!!!!


Sunday, October 18, 2009

SIX is for Six-Pack! (Six Pack SURYA that is!!)

So, this photo has absolutely nothing to do with the following post. I just thought that maybe a hot man holding some knife-like pec things would do it for you.

Today was a great, great, great, great, GREAT day. One of those days where you are just in gratitude for being alive... ya know? Where the trees look really beautiful as they're changing colour and losing their leaves. Or where you go for a walk around the block and your body just feels eager to be moving. Where the future is this bright, glowing nimbus of goodness, and there ain't nothing or no one that can get in your way.

I was talking to a dear buddy of mine about the first few days of this beautiful cleanse, and he mentioned that it sounded like I was in detox. When I asked him what that meant, he replied that it's when addicts head to rehab and they have their first 72 hours without drugs or alcohol. Where the body is purging itself of not having the substances it's been so used to relying on: where every part of your body aches, and you're irritable, and grumpy, and can barely focus... the list goes on. But it gets to the point where you literally feel like you're dying.

I can't quite say I got to the point where I felt that death was near... but I was definitely up there. It was awful, and exhausting, and all of those things.

But like, its this tunnel that you have to go through I guess. And then you get out of it... and it's like a whole Other World! Most of the time, I feel as if I just do not 'need' things to get by. I'm alert, focussed, open, and still my Old Self. I love it, I love it, I love it... yes, it's true, I am loving life right now - in a genuine, awesome sense.

So today was supposed to be the end of my 3-day Master Cleanse, with tomorrow supposed to be the Ease-In day. But I honestly believe that Body wants a day or 2 more. We'll see how it is tomorrow, but for now... I'm signing off on the Awesomeness that is the Being of Mega.

Love love love

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Ladies and Gentlemen, Day 5!

To begin with, at this present moment, I feel GREAT - vibrant, fit, *alive*. My body feels it is releasing and my whole energy feels a million times better than last night. I felt motivated to ride my bike, go to work, do a Journey process with the wonderful and amazing Val... but let's back up to this morning, when I did NOT feel great.

So I woke up and hit the 'snooze' button about 10 times... if you calculate a 9-minute 'snooze' time, you'll surely see that's just around 1.5 hours of 'snooze'-ing.

So I woke up, and I was reeeally considering giving up today. I've come really far, my body clearly wasn't happy with me yesterday, maybe this is not the cleanse for me. And I considered eating some food but then I thought, well, let's give it till midday. I'm ok for now.

So just as I'm about to head out the door, I feel this now-normal nausea in my body. I think, "I feel kinda nauseous," ... 2 minutes later, I realize, "I feel really nauseous... yup, I'm gonna throw up "...

so I do.

And I'm like, now what?

Clearly my tummy is angry at me at the present, and I can't even *consider* drinking any more maple syrup. So I ask my body, "Body, what do you need?" And body's like, "BREAD!" and I'm like, "MIND, what are youuu doing here? I didn't ask you here" and mind's all, "sooo-rryyyy" so I turn back to body.

"Body, what do you need?"
"What Kiiind of food?"
"Miiiind, stop it! I can't eat bread, I'm cleansing the body of cooked food and toxins and what would this mean to my integrity of commitment?"
"Soooorryyyy. Just trying to help."

And body speaks up - quietly now - "How about a banana?"

How about a banana?

I think about it. A banana could be tough. A banana would mean breaking my vow of no solid food. Would that mean I'm breaking these plans?

But then, my body is asking for food, demanding it! Who am I to resist that?

So I choose to eat the banana. Because being nauseous is the pits, and I have a day to go about.

Anyway, the best choice I could've made. From then on, the day was GREAT. There were a couple moments of seeing people eat around me, and wishing that I could be ingesting a whole lotta cheese ... but it feels good to feel strong, too. So today was a day of feeling strong.

So the theme for HIGH FIVE day has been this: you don't have to move quickly and forcefully to be moving. You can be moving slowly, too.

And I love that because patterns in Meg's Life to Date have been around either been sprinting a 100 meter dash or sitting on a couch gorging on chips. Literally. So what if life were a marathon? What if life was a long-distance stretch consisting of sprints and jogs, and perhaps sometimes walks... but always movement?

I was riding my bike home tonight in a redonculous rainstorm. If you live in Vancouver, you know what that was... the drains were clogged with leaves so there were puddles everywhere, and so my feet were literally soaking by the time I arrive home. In fact, they were soaking 30 seconds after departure.

So the setup was pretty rough. Also, if you know 10th Avenue anywhere west of Alma, you'll know that there's a Great Big Mother-Fing Hill. (I like to call her GBMuthaFa). And most days, I feel empowered when I get up that thing ... it's always the very last leg of my trip and I always arrive panting and dripping with sweat when I get home.

However, tonight, I just knew I was too weak to take on the hill.

"Should I bus tonight?" I think to myself. But I consider how I've made that pact in September to bike everywhere that I can. And I knew I had the energy for a bike home tonight. So I sucked it up and left.

But I also knew that I did not have the energy to make it up GBMuthaFa. I tried 1/2 a block, to see if I was fooling myself... but I'm definitely weak and short of stamina. So I head back down the hill to the bus stop... only to see the bus pass me by, splashing water all over my face. Great. Now what?

But ya know... as I look at that bus passing me I think, wow. I really don't want to be on that thing right now. It's hot and non ventilated, it's really full, I'd have to pick my bike up to load it, I'd only go for 2 stops and spend $2.50 on bus fare.

So I think... I could walk!

What a novel idea! Walking, instead of going quicker and biking. Eating 1 banana, instead of pushing through pain. And in neither instances did I choose to 'give up' ... in fact, because I have energy now, I'm more committed than ever.

And that is what I'd like to leave you with. High Five for Day Five.


Friday, October 16, 2009

Day FOUR (fore!)

I need to start by just saying... 10 days is a LONG TIME! Whose idea was this?

So today was GRATITUDE day. It's hard to be grateful when you don't have much coming in.

There have been a lot of learnings today. First, that doing the cleanse while taking action is perhaps not the best for me. I've been feeling nauseous at night, and have been noticing myself very sensitive to the people around me. My reaction to people's energies are starting to get weeeeird...

I've also thought about my mind's reaction. So many times today have I considered, "i am messing my system up, maybe I should eat something, I can't do it..." And I wonder, am I thinking these things because of fear? Or because of my mind?

I think, "I'm breaking it, that's it, I feel sick, this isn't supposed to make me feel sick". And then I realize this is a great reminder of when I was in terrible pain after the accident... and how breathing, one breath in, one breath out, it puts you in the moment, and suddenly there you are.

And then I think about how I would feel were I to 'give up', and I think how I would feel about Quitting. And then I also worry, will I be able to make it through tomorrow?

And lastly -- I think, wow, is food the *only* thing that will get me through the day? The whole point of this cleanse is to draw my attention away from food, and to focus on the other lifestyle choices that make me complete. Noticing my thoughts as they stem up is a great, great thing... because these are the thoughts I want to change Post-Cleanse Process. Ya know?

So far, so good. Great yoga class tonight, and i feel great when i'm still. It's when I move that those feelings set in. We will see how I feel by mid-day tomorrow. Tomorrow, by the way, is "BREATH" day. Hmm.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cleanse - Day 3

Dear World.

So, I've committed to writing every day of this cleanse. At 11:37 at night, when I've been up for 18 hours and am waking up in 6.5, I'm not entirely sure how great a decision that was. However, commitment is what it is. And for some reason I've decided to "honour" commitments. Geez. Whoever's idea that was...

So today was the last of my Ease-In days. One thing I've done on this cleanse is to have 3 "Ease-In" days, 3 Masterfully cleansing days, and 3 "Ease-Out" days. "ease in" and "ease out" are the same 3 days, only mirror imaged to each other: day 1 - whole, living, organic fruits n veg all day. Day 2 - whole juices and soups. day 3 - juices (preferably orange).

The other thing about these next 10 days is that each day has a Theme, a small 1-2 sentence meditation, and a few action steps. that Yours Truly has come up with. (Yours Truly is me, by the way. Just wanted to confirm that.) So Day 1 - Tuesday - was Preparation day: "Today I prepare myself for the week to come". Action: To spend an hour and a bit writing out a plan for the following week.

Day 2 - Wednesday - was Reduce day - very hard for me - "Today I acknowledge my left brain and organisational skills, and how they help me". Action step was to clean my room, clear clutter off the horizontal surfaces. Goal for the next week is to keep them cleared...

And that brings me to today, "orange juice day". Otherwise known as Day 3. Today was "compassion/generosity"... "Today I honour the people and light beings around me, and I value their needs just as my own". Action? To bring something to everyone I meet... be it a gift, a smile, a well-placed thought...

I found that hard today. Mostly because I've been so focussed on myself, with this cleanse and all... it's hard to focus on others. Also, because that's hard for me to begin with...

And tomorrow? man. I don't know how cut out for this stuff I am. My head hurts, I feel kinda nauseous, and I'm really tired. I know I'm dedicated... but maybe this is too intense for me... have I bitten off more than I can chew?

ooh - and can you comment if you've done the Master Cleanse before? I'd love to hear your voices on it. So far, I'm plugging along. Tomorrow is Day 4... that's Gratitude day. Sheeeit.... hope I can dig to that next level beyond the ego...



Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Welcome to the Fire!

About 2 weeks ago I decided - without realizing that I had decided - to do a cleanse after Thanksgiving. Upon my return to Vancouver, it's been an interesting haul. It's been filled with Fire-Energy.

Just over a year ago, I was in the middle of a very intense Journey process - probably the most intense I've ever had - when this deep fire just shot up through my belly. It was like this grumbling from the earth, and my whole body suddenly became feverish. It was wweeeeird. My body was booming at me... fire.... and all of the sudden, these action steps appeared to me. Go to hot yoga. Harness your inner fire. Do the Master Cleanse. Be in ACTION.

I was floored... flabbergasted. After the process, I needed to remove myself from the group because the feelings were so strong, so intense - so vivid. I could see my highest Self... my future.

Upon returning back to Van, I felt I was totally ready to live in that fire... I pursued my certification as a Journey Practitioner, I met loads of people, I stayed in touch with all the people from the healing and personal development camps and retreats I'd done over the past few months.

And then...





Got my Journey certification, went travelling. Had some contract jobs open up that were lovely and wonderful and fun...but my practice did not take off. I still had not moved out. My ankle was in a lot of pain, and I found myself gaining weight. I was so very uninspired, except for those rare moments that I truly treasured.

Anyway, that turned out to be a lot more rambly than I had hoped. The point is... I returned from another summer THIS year... in a COMPLETELY different space. Totally revved, rejuvinated, feeling full of action and self-confidence in ways I've never felt.

I've been not just inspired to... but I've been committing to things. Like waking up at 6am and writing for a few hours before heading to yoga, or work. Coming home and checking things off the list that I've committed to do. Applying for lots of positions. Writing. Playing the keyboard.
Eating well. It's amazing how I feel like a new woman... (although that last Woman inside of me is an integral part of the Woman I am now...)

So one of the things I've committed to is a 9-day cleanse. It was originally supposed to be like a 4- or 5-day cleanse, but I ended up adding some Ease-In and Ease-Out days. In doing so, I chose to really use this time and space to really GO for the change I wanted... how better than to use the act of eating as a metaphor for the rest of life.

I'm going to post about the next week or so as it goes a bit more. But I just needed to share the word that it is a time for ACTION these days, and this is a beautiful thing.

Thank you for your space. Namaste.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Back to the Middle ("getting burned is how you will learn")

Again, India.Arie saves my butt. I sit here, and I listen, and I realize that although the world is going to end... I think... it just might be ok.

can I share my evening with you?

So I screwed up tonight.

How did I do it? Did I get cocky? Perhaps. Was I busy doing other things? Yes. Did I ignore my intuition and go forward with a project that I felt uneasy about? Most definitely.

In short - and the last thing I want to do is recount the story, but I feel I must - I chose to sing a song for a "Staff On Stage" Performance at the summer camp I am working at till August. Well, I was asked to sing it. But I chose to do it. The song was "Defying Gravity", you know, that song that's all about breaking limits and being amazing and all those wonderful things I like to talk about... so when given the chance to sing it... this girl jumps. Right?

So here's the thing. I royally BOMBED. OK, so the majority of the audience loved it - you can't go wrong when you choose a crowd-pleaser song - but I didn't nail it. My voice cracked, I butchered important words like "down" and "ah" and that other word, you know, "gravity".

I didn't nail it.

I didn't nail it.

I disappointed myself and the people I perceive to matter.


Over the past few years, I've been getting lazy with my voice. Yes, lazy is the word. Not practicing. Not singing. Taking time off.

Which has been fine. Because in the past, I've oversung. I've had a lot of fear tied up in my voice. I've had worries of abuse, seen specialists, been on voice rest, paid far too much attention to the technique of speaking, singing, breathing, moving... UGGGH! So I reached a point of... ENOUGH.

And I've been wanting to take a lesson with someone in vocal technique for at least a year. And this morning, I had the BEST lesson... 1.5 hours ... it was so great, I made all these wonderful advances, I remembered so much about pure vowels, and support, and heard everything with fresh ears and made new advances and felt so GOOD! And promised myself that for the song I was singing tonight, I would really practice it, and it would be AMAZING for tonight.

So can you guess what happened? Did I practice? Not a bit. Did I go forward with the song, all the while knowing that I still had issues? Absolutely.


I finished the performance, I left straightaway, blew off my other friends performing tonight, and felt this real strong primal urge for India and a blog. You know, my version of Scotch and a cig.

So what can we take away from this experience?Ummm, wait. What can I take from this?

"Sometimes you fly, and sometimes you fall. There ain't no way to avoid the pain, cuz getting burned that's how you learn to come back to the middle"

I think... I think... I think...

I think I'll be ok. I think this is Goduniverse's kick in the ass telling me to smarten up my technique. To have such an amazing morning with vocal discoveries and an extremely painful evening with Self-disappointments is an extreme ego-bruiser, and I think ... I think... I need to be very gentle with myself here.

It's Ok... because, to quote Queen Arie ... "to get to the top you must come back to the middle". So here lie I, before you... humbled, open, action ready, having hit Cocky, moved into Humbled... and now... am back at the middle.

Monday, May 25, 2009

And I Choose...

"Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been, but today, I have the opportunity to choose"

India.Arie is a goddess. I truly, truly mean that. She's the type of goddess that demands to be worshipped - like cats were in Ancient Egypt. Or wait, maybe they were killed. No, wait, that's the Middle Ages I'm thinking of.... yes, they were definitely worshipped.

(note to self, Wikipedia "worship cats, Egypt")

Ok, that actually has nothing to do with the point of this blog. The whole point of this blog was to discuss feelings.

So back to India Arie. There are a handful of artists who have saved my life, and I don't use that expression lightly, over the years. The ones who inspire passion, who remind me those little nuggets of truth, when I have so forgotten. India.Arie has slowly become my artist of choice over the past year, my own personal guru who is so easily accessible on iTunes, the one who I pose a question to and 2 minutes later she is answering it in song, verse, and some of the sweetest guitar sounds there are.

This show that I am in now, we are heading into the final 10 days pre-concert time, and so I find myself immersed in all the music that our fabulous fearless leader Jessi Nicholson has chosen so carefully... and ya know, every day I find myself thanking my lucky lucky stars to be involved in this project.

In case you don't know what project it is, I am singing background vocals for Jessi Nicholson's band Journey Into Eye. It's her baby, this project, and she is such a talented and driven (not to mention fabulous!) professional, that I am blessed to work with her. And, insert shameless plug here: we are playing June 4th, 10pm, at the Backstage Lounge in Granville Island, tix $10 in advance, $12 at the door (email me at for tix!)

So I bring up the show - not Just to lure you into buying tickets, hehehe, but for a deeper reason: I needed to explore my evolution up until now.

i was swimming, yesterday, and in the pool, I realized just how far I've actually come. I swim because it's the only - and yes, I mean ONLY - cardio exercise I can do without any pain. And I was kinda groaning, because I was starting to get bored in the pool, and as I was going through the front crawl motions I decided, OK, I'm finishing this lap, then i'm outta here.

And all of the sudden, India.Arie's "and I Choose" popped into my head. Are you familiar with her lyrics? If not, I will paste some of them here:

I Choose to be the best that I can be
I choose to be authentic in everything I do
my past don't dictate who I am
I Choose

And this part of the song just looped through my head. It looped. I was looping through the pool, swimming my laps, and India was looping through my head.

But, like, I just got to thinking, "Sheeeeit... I do choose. I do!" We like to think that we don't choose. A lot of times, we hope that we don't choose, we soooo hope that we don't, because then we're not accountable, right? We're not accountable for the bad stuff. The gross stuff.

I have more to write about this, but it's late, and I need to go to bed. So for now, I'll just leave you with India's "I Choose"... and you can take from it what you need.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

I wrote some poems today...

... and I'd like to share them with you.

They are rough, they may have some parts that are desperately calling for a thesaurus, and the first one especially goes on a little long...
but here ya go.

(or, Fuck You, Cookies)

Fuck you,

You with your tantalizing eyes
your ravishing lips
those seductive lashes

You gaze at me with unspoken fulfillment of ...



Promises. Promises. Promises of
What you will bring

What I will



The world will


its axis.

Life Aligns itself

All in that first bite of

<3 COOKIE <3

So I run to my Enabled legs
I Race across town

And...suddenly... suddenly...

I'm there

We meet,

I am the fly, Stuck in the Siren call
of the
The Web has taken over
I am PARALYZED or shouldIsay

DoubleChocolateChunk has become DoubleChocolateChunkandMacademiaNut

DoubleChocolateChunkandMacademiaNut takes over it

has a Mind now

(It's alarmingly like mine)

not whispers but COMMANDS

I obey

Mechanically, I REACH

the PULL stronger than the PUSH

like Martial Arts. A Martial
would be stronger would resist

I am not a martial

I am weak

"that'll be $6.50"

My last $6.50 before overdraft
to pay
bank fees
from this morning's



30 seconds and it is over.

I am the Weak
I am the Defeated

I am not a Martial

the world spun 360
It lost alignment

I hear a faint cry
I turn my ear and eye in its direction

There is a

Now, she is held by a Thin
a Fit
a Hot

"I am her eater and I am not Fat
You can eat me you will not be


ARTISTS would say No

I am not a Martial

"That'll be $8.50"

$8.50 into overdraft
2 weeks till payday
no cash


I am the Weak
I am the Defeated

Never will Life resemble my dream

I am not a Martial

Nor am I a Thin
a Fit
a Hot

I am a Weak
a Lone
a Fraid

I am a Unrealized

Tomorrow will be the same
There is no Change

Fuck you,


Fuck You, Martial Artists

I am a Weak
a Lone
a Fraid

I see Martial



What the


They omit and Enjoy


I tried

I pretended, once, I pretended

I was a good





I still


Not now.


(no name)

I see you Eating,

Why can't I
be Eating


Instead, I breathe and
I feel


Bitter Vinegar
on fries


would be nice....


(no name #2)

There is so much




It's a shame I am


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Revelations 2:17 - "I love you just the way you are, Blueberry Muffin"

Yes, as the catchy title denotes, on this 17th day of February, I have had yet another revelation. Are you ready for it?

To paraphrase Strawberry Shortcake circa 1989, "Don't change yourself, Blueberry Muffin, especially not because you think other people want you to. I love you just the way you are."

If Strawberry Shortcake was some smokin' hot dude and Blueberry Muffin was an equally hot, size-12-pants and accident-prone chicka who oddly resembles myself, and they felt pretty much zero sexual attraction to each other, perhaps I might have taken more note of that life lesson at the tender age of 6: that lesson that, well, perhaps I'm actually ok just as I AM... and that it is possible to still be clumsy AND loved - PLUTONICALLY - by a guy.

Unfortunately, growing up in an environment where I spent most of my childhood crying into a 4L tub of Oreo ice cream after being made fun of by 10-year-old boys for relatively inconsequential parts of myself I had very little control over (you know, like my thighs), I did not heed Strawberry Shortcake's words at ALL. In fact, for the past quarter century of existence, I've held this delusion that I am just not worthy of hot guys. Not to have as boyfriends, not be their friend, not even as a distant relative. That guys who I find attractive live on this pedestal across an impossible chasm, and not only would they never find Hideous Me equally attractive, but they are not even *remotely* accessible as human beings: they're like these androids that you can watch from afar but don't even bother trying to jump the fence to have a close look.

And I won't even get INTO those nighttime fantasies I would fall to sleep to: fantasies of princes on white stallions, riding into my sad awkward social life, plucking me from the crowd, crowning me, paying off my debt (that part entered around age 22-ish), and letting me show them off to all the guys who'd rejected me in the past. How did that show up in my real life? Easy. I just tried to seduce every good-looking guy I laid my eyes on, no pun intended.

And of course that's worked out exceedingly well.

Now, I bring this up because I had a particulary painful experience tonight involving a boy, let's call him Mr. C, who loves me back... like a SISTER. Once again I was duped! This time, I was SO SURE it could happen. I mean, come on, he talked about the UNIVERSE for chrissake, we were MEANT to be together!

So, long story short, things came to a point where I was expecting some shizzle to go down with Mr. C, (like, we're talking down south if ya catch my drift...)... and they didn't. And I was like, huh, that was almost as satisfying as if I was all pumped to eat at this new fancy restaurant with reservations for months, no one else has tried it but they're all raving about it... and then after a particulary long drive to Golden, BC, I find out this place is a shoe-shine stand that sells wraps. Sometimes.

In this particular situation, my shoe-shine stand was most definitely denied the wraps.

So then I did this new thing where I asked for clarity, for truth in the situation. And I not only asked the Universe and my 3 girlfriends (whose 'truth' is, "oh sweetie, you are SO much better than him, you SO deserve more, you don't need this loser"), but I asked Mr. C. Himself. And the answer?

"Well, yeah, I love you. Like a sister."

And you know it's that "sister"-word... it must be the sibilance... that twists that knife in the heart... you know the one i'm talking about, right?

But... here's the thing. If you don't know me... You don't know that I grew up with a single mother, with all sisters. To have a real conversation with a guy my age felt almost as possible as making my sister stop watching Grey's Anatomy for a whole season. When talking to Mr. C, I might as well have just been visiting the dentist, because most of my conversations with him involved me drooling and slurring my speech.

So ya know what? Maybe... just maybe... the Universe is kinda saying, "brothers are cool too". Because let's face it: if i'm going to choose my own brother, I'm going to damn well choose a bro who accepts his clumsy, sometimes-gluttonous, often-socially awkward sis for who she is.

And... it's gotta work both ways, too. If I expect to be loved as the sloppy emotional mess I often am, then right back atcha. And what better way to practice for this future Man of mine than on the trial run of a brother.

So, in short? Strawberry Shortcake knew her shizzle, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Giving Up? or Growing Up?

"So, if you were hired, we would expect a commitment of Tuesday through Saturday, 10-6pm, as well as any shifts that your staff would be missing. We would expect you to be an exemplary role model, as your position would require disciplinary measures and coaching for your staff."

Gulp. MY staff?

I had an interview today. A real, live interview. Not an audition... (i know, i was confused too...) but an INTERVIEW. For a full-time, salaried position. With set hours, salary, and benefits. BENEFITS!!!!!! Meaning... incentives for going to the doctor, taking a lunch break, getting that long-overdue dental cleanup. It was for management in arts administration, 40 hours/week. They asked me about my skills in managing people, in disciplinary action, in how I would approach the job. It would be ME who would be scheduling OTHER people... and it would be MY responsibility if they didn't show up for their shift. So in other words, I've got to put my Big Girl Panties on and shoulder the responsibility.

I've also been applying for other full-time jobs, ones that are perhaps a little more flexible, yet still along the basic line of what I've been doing: $12/hour or so, 20-40 hours/week. So, hourly, no benefits... yet time-wise, flexible. AND, Scheduling would still be done in advance - so, calling off a shift last-minute would be out of the question. Although, I would still be paid less, have more time, create "art"...

... and still be dirt poor.

I tell you this not because I'm looking for advice, or sympathy, or monetary donations (although all would be gratefully accepted... especially the latter...personal cheques accepted with valid photo ID...), but moreso because this whole experience is bringing up a massive can of worms. Like, we're talking Costco-size here. And that can of worms is this:

Am I giving up? Or am I growing up?

All my life I've judged others based on their work. It hasn't been a conscious thing... and I didn't mean for it to be mean... but in retrospect, some of these thoughts have been pretty darn harsh. I've always considered anyone who's working a Day Job as "non-committed" to their art. Like they've "given up" on their passion, they've sold out. I've always seen these people as all TALK - like, "well, I trained in New York, and now I'm living in Langley and I'm teaching... I want to go back some day, but it's just not financially feasible for me right now...the business is HARD, and I really miss it, but you gotta pay the bills, I haven't really auditioned lately..." yadda yadda yadda. And I've listened to these people talk, smiling and nodding and bobbing my head to "show" that I'm ALL on their side, that I really respect their decision...

but you know what? Inside it's been a whoooole different story. Inside, I've seen them work their day jobs and I've listened to them talk and I've watched them kinda-auditioning for semi-pro shows and thinking, "WOW. they have FAILED... I'll never be like that. I'll always keep my flexibility, because acting and singing and dancing is my passion. And I"ll ALWAYS make auditions a first priority, and I'm going to be famous by the age of 25, and I am amazing and they are not.." And no, I"m not proud of these thoughts I've had. But they were there.

And then, lately, I've been shopping around for different restaurants that serve different dishes in life. You know, like the "being honest" cafe, and Chez-"committing to things" on "I just turned 25 and my ankle is arthritic and I have no money to my name" Street. And since this blowout with Dad, I tried the "OH GOD I need to move the hell out!!!" diner, which is serving this new type of pie - have you tried it? You know.. that kind that sort of brings out steel toed boots and kicks you in the ass? It's called "humble" pie. If you haven't tried it yet, I don't recommend it. Or maybe I do. I don't know yet. I'm still halfway through my serving.

But regardless -- it was this incident that propelled me into applying for jobs. Day jobs. REAL jobs. Jobs with "routine". Jobs with "structure". Jobs with everything that I've always said that I'm AGAINST. Like... think of it this way. It's like an environmental activist who, after spending 10 years overtly imparting his values of Green-this, Green-that to everyone he meets, goes ahead and applies for a job at an oil refinery in Alberta.

I'm exaggerating, of course. Sort of.

In serious, though... haven't I always said that money doesn't matter? That it's how you feel, and that leads to What you Do? That your thoughts create your reality and action has to be inspired, and then your dreams will come true?

I feel like all of that was incredibly ignorant. When I remember myself saying these things to friends, this image comes to mind of a bossy child loudly giving directions in life to another peer who is forced into submission, and I kind of cringe a little bit.

Because... moving out means paying rent. Paying rent requires money. Money comes from... trees? Anyone want to donate a Money Tree? Because, truth be told, I have not made one dime from my acting. Not one DIME. I've made some income from my singing - corporate gigs, you know - and lots of gifts in kind...but I'd like to meet the landlord who accepts a lifetime's supply of Free Opening Night Tickets to the Gateway and the $75 from my corporate gig last year in exchange for May's rent (Seriously. If you meet him, send him my way...)

And it's funny, because my friends are of two mindsets. There is nobody who is sitting on the fence with this one. They either fall into the "oh FINALLY, you're growing up, welcome to the REAL WORLD!" mentality; or it's the "Oh God, well, there goes your acting career, I guess... I'm so sorry for your loss, when's the funeral?"

And can I tell you the truth? We're friends here, right? So I'll be honest:

I'm worried that I won't get the job. Because I'm qualified. I've grown a HELL of a lot in the past 2 years. And I feel confident about my interview... I can envision myself working for the two women who interviewed me, fulfilling my responsibilities, and managing others effectively. I can see myself working in a professional manner, and the money is amazing, and I really would kick ass at this. I can see myself enjoying it, committing to it, being useful.

And... I'm worried that I will get the job. Because if I get it, I"ll take it. And I'll be professional, and I'll give myself to the contract, and I'll work set hours, and I'll have staff that I'm responsible for, and I'll spend 1 hour in commute there and 1 hour in commute home and 8 hours working on the computer and dealing with people and have an office and be able to make plans in advance and pay my rent and stay off the ankle ...

... And...

where does that leave Megan, the famous actress? Megan, the Wild Child? Megan, the free spirit? What happens to THAT identity?


in accepting this position... is it the end of an era? Does accepting the fact that it is, in fact, physically painful to audition and stand in rehearsal for hours at a time, mean that I'm giving up? That I, too, have joined the ranks of, "well, acting is so great and I love it but you know what, it doesn't pay the bills so I've just got to get a real job and I'll just have to learn to enjoy routine and 9-5 and maybe one day I'll retire but until then i'll just eat lots of food to deal with the pain and divert my attention from my failure in living in suburbia, getting married, and just making do with my life"?

I don't know. I just don't know. But there you have it. 25, unemployed, scared shitless to be employed, scared shitless to not be employed.
So, my point? Cheques can be made out to MEGAN PHILLIPS -- that's no H and 2 L's, and mailed to...

Monday, January 12, 2009

don't do drugs.

So here's the thing.

I keep talking, talking, talking. Telling the people around me that "I'm looking to switch into writing", "it will help me find my creative voice", that I'm "writing more"...

*cough* BULLSH*T!!! *cough*

Me and Hermie 2 headed to Starbucks today. Btw, Hermie 2 is my newly named freshly minted Macbook, a very dumpy name to suit such a svelte, beautiful machine - but it's kind of a Family name, you see... much like an unfortunate hot jenny-mccarthy lookalike named Gertrude Bertha Hogg due to some outdated family moniker that REALLY should have just died with the relative.... anyways, in any case, Hermie 2 is named in honour of my very first laptop.

Anyways. So me and the Hermster (I just felt my computer shudder - i'm sorry Herms, it's gotta be done) went to Starbucks, where I found out they have free wireless. Free wireless!!!! Every day!!! for 2 hours!!!! JUST for having a starbucks card!!! I've had a starbucks card longer than I've had a Credit Card, and I feel like i'm FINALLY getting redeemed for it! Hallelujah!!

So I get to Starbucks. And I set up shop. I turn on the computer, I plug it in, I boot up MS Word, I even OPEN my one-woman-show file. YAY! I think to myself... "this is so fabulous! I am gonna get SO much done".

And then comes... Mozilla Firefox. After spending a few minutes just figuring out which buttons to push, I get in.

And... enter the blackout.

How does that even HAPPEN? How does 1 hour and 58 minutes pass me by and I don't even so much THINK about my show? Or even, for that matter, my blog?! Or if I do, it's with a tone of revulsion. REVULSION?!? MY show??? My baby?

How can I think these things about my babies? My long, conveluded point is:

don't do drugs.

No, no, no... wait, come back! I'm kidding!!! What I MEANT to say was, "don't do drugs at starbucks".

kidding AGAIN!!! geez. tough crowd.

So no, in all seriousness: why is it that this one thing I keep telling people I want to stem into - even just as a HOBBY - is the last thing on my plate. Researching Mazdas in Texas took priority today over cleaning up grammatical errors on my show.

Procrastination. It's a bitch...

and don't do drugs.

Friday, January 2, 2009

25.256... but who's counting?

I turned 25 almost 2 weeks ago.

Having a Christmas birthday has always been somewhat of a relief for me... a wonderful time to be distracted from all the fears that one more year of missed commitments, of lapsed subscriptions and gift cards, of artfully dodging extended family member's questions of "so where are you working now?". Not only has it been one more year of continual unemployment, of falling under the poverty line when it comes to income, and bringing my level of debt to an entirely new $1000 level; it's been one more year of unfulfilled promises, of singledom, of living at my parent's house.

There is a great deal of inertia focussed around here. Sigh. Perhaps I should find an audience for this blog...