Monday, December 14, 2009

My ego hurts.

So I'm bruised, I'm broken, and I'm sad.

You know when things are going really well -- like, REALLY well -- and then you realize you've built this platform out of paper that suddenly collapses in front of you?

You know, like, you've given it your all, and that's the scariest point to be in because you're fucking VULNERABLE? There's a reason I stepped back for 2 years. A reason that I hated this industry, and this life path, and people associated with it, and I just STOPPED.

There's a reason I separated myself from people, relationships, gentlemen callers, and physical exercise regiments. Because the ego likes to latch on, and latch to an expected outcome. And if the outcome turns out differently than my sky-high expectations, the pain becomes entirely unbearable.

I'll get through this - I know I will - this just happens to be the way I'm feeling right now. It also just happens to be all-encompassing.

Update: I began this blog 2 nights ago with pain, fear, and anger broiling through every part of my body. But it's been 1 day and 2 sleeps since then... and I begin to realize these feelings for just what they are: feelings. Life keeps trucking along, and I can choose to step on the train or stay at the station, licking my wounds. Now, I'm not saying that licking the wounds isn't necessary to clean out what caused them in the first place...just that the train will always be waiting there for me, ready to take me forward.

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