Oh, hey there world.

This is the view from my apartment, where I sit, alone. I'm surrounded by boxes because I just moved 3 weeks ago and have had far more important things to do than unpack fully since moving in.

It's snowing in Vancouver - a rare thing - and I'm feeling a lot of things. After all, it is the last day of my 20s. I'm shocked that today is finally here. I'm desperately hoping a person will text me back who is a distraction from all of the other very real things that have happened over the past couple months. I'm constantly refreshing Facebook to see who has started writing on my Facebook wall for my birthday. So far, just one buddy in Australia (thanks Matt!). I'm hoping I write a truly profound blog that will get shared and go viral and become everyones mantra for the day they turn 30. Or, at the very least, share enough that my newfound fame becomes the answer to "where is my career going?" - that question that I apparently should at least have a plan for.

But back to that first thing. Today is here. The future became the present. And tomorrow, apparently, things change. Tomorrow, I turn 30. And here I am… in that awkward state where if anyone asked me my age I would say "29" which I can really only do for like 6 more hours now.

Remember when we were all scared the world was going to end on Dec 21, 2012? It was the end of the Mayan Calendar, so all of 2012 leading up to that was supposed to be this new vibrational year where we shed our skin, experienced change, and anticipated the newfound growth of 2013. After Dec 21, 2012, we were launched into a new, exciting world where our deepest desires come to the surface and we live the life we were truly meant to live. Yaaaaaaaay…! remember that..? I do! I spent my 29th birthday in Seattle with my boyfriend, watching one of my idols, Louie CK, perform. I had felt some major career growth in 2012 - that was the year my lawsuit got settled, I toured my solo show, I committed to recovery, I hit a new level with the company I sell for. I even started to enjoy teaching! That Christmas, I went to Hawaii with my boyfriend and family, and boy did 2013 seem like it was going to be my year! Look out, new vibrational year!

…

Yeah.

What ensued was what I like to endearingly label "my own personal shit show".

Now don't get me wrong, it started out awesomely enough. I travelled to Palm Desert to see my family, met a whole bunch of my company "family" at a training in Saskatchewan, flew to LA to watch our web series get screened in a fancy festival, my solo show got picked up for a festival in NYC, the city that holds my heart, and I was part of a hit Fringe Show.

But then, around late March/early April, shit started to hit the fan… and more and more and more pieces began to pile on top of it. My agent dropped me. My partner did something that fucked with my trust and set in motion our eventual demise as a couple in the fall. My show flopped BAD in NYC. I tried to hand over my wounded heart to unhealthy people and suffered immense pain. And then, over a 2-week period in October, the following happened: partner and I split up, I moved out and in with parents, I started a completely new job, and I co-bought a place with my mom (hence the boxes). October was a month of total deer-in-headlights shell shock. November was the month of damage control. And December… December has been the month of straight-up reality check.

Since October, I've been starting to feel the nudges of "who I really am". I guess that's what you can call them. I've embraced my deep love for the hip hop culture, especially rap… my iTunes playlist is morphing. My tolerance for people's shit has plummeted and I've started scraping the fat from conversations I have with people (If I don't want to hang out with anyone, I'm not going to suggest 'going for coffee sometime'. fuck that). I'm pushing myself into the comedy community and have started doing stand-up. I am more sexually awake than ever, and I am taking a hard, long look at my patterns and am fiercely willing to partner with a higher force to take away what does not serve. If I feel a strong emotion, I will sit with that emotion and ask what it has to teach me, and what Little Meggie needs, and do my best to honour that request, as rational (or irrational) as it is. My "frequent caller" list is changing and shifting as the friends who meet me at my level are the healthiest people for me, and many others are sadly sifting to the pile of "unhelpful people right now".

In light of 2013's craycray, I decided to do what many others in my situation would do: CELEBRATE HARD. Go out dancing, meet new people, pour myself into new social situations. After all, Meg needs new friends in this new life I barely freaking recognize who she is becoming. So what better time to celebrate hard than my birthday week? Here's what I thought: "Since it's the week before Christmas, people are going to be all over the place, so I'll do something every night for people to attend"! So I did, I've planned something every night this week.

And it has sucked. My birthday week has sucked hard. Not only do most of my best friends I've compiled over the years live in different cities around the world, but of those I consider besties in Vancouver, very few have been able to make it to my activities. And I get it, December's a shitty time to have been born (sorry friends), my friends work and get auditions and blah blah blah. My little ego set up massive expectations, and ergo set me up for massive disappointment. Story of my 20s.

So where do I stand? When I was little, I made a list of "things to accomplish before I turned 30", which got revised upon graduating from high school in 2001. Guess what, folks? None of them had been met. Some of them, I'm ok with. "Lawyer by day and Ballet dancer by night", I'm  OK with not having achieved.  Being a "famous singer and on Saturday Night Live" … a little harder to swallow.

So why do I share all of this with you? I had hoped this would be a "kick-life-in-the-ass-and-turn-30 blog" about goals and shit… after all, many have written these before me and many more will do so after me. But that's not where I'm at. I don't even know what my goals are anymore. Stuff I used to think I was good at I'm learning I'm actually pretty crappy at. But stuff I thought I was lame at, I'm actually not too bad.

I'm freaked out, I'm disappointed. I want to make more art and I don't know which medium to start in. I feel more free than ever before, knowing many parts of my life that didn't serve me have fallen away… but I'm left, naked, on new terrain, and I don't know what it means. I'm unsure and I'm making mistakes left right and centre. I feel like I'm back in high school - the socially awkward girl kicked out of the 20s Club party and not quite invited to the 30s Club party, but not dressed for either. I don't know if the 30s Club will like me, or accept me, or if I have what it takes to kick ass, but all I have is the bags that I packed for myself. I've let go of some of the shit my family packed for me in previous years that was just heavy baggage, and I don't have everything that I will need for the coming decade. I guess all a girl can do is trust the work she's done has set her up to handle whatever life gets thrown at her.

Well, on that note, I'll see y'all on the other side of 30. Party hard and stay safe, everyone.

And you thought the Rob Ford rants were over. Surprise! Jumping on the bandwagon…


This one will be my only one, though. Because mine is not a rant on this certain man's behaviour: that's been covered. We all know that this is not a person in sound mind to make reasonable choices for the better of the people around him and not on himself.

My rant is concerning how we - not just Toronto, but the media and indeed, the world at large - is dealing with it.

And hey, don't get me wrong. I preface this to say I don't condone a thing Mr. Ford has done. If you're not familiar with the throes of addiction, check out Dr. Gabor Mate's work. He speaks to how we could (dare I say Should?) work with addicts and addiction - in others AND ourselves - it far more eloquently and succinctly than I.

HOWEVER. Allow me this space to be rageful. For some reason, our society has gone WILD with Anti-Bullying. Google "anti bullying" and you could be entertained for days. Our tax dollars have gone to full school PROGRAMS to "cut down on bullying" (check out pinkshirtday.ca). There is "zero tolerance" for any kind of abuse - physical, verbal, or otherwise - at many schools these days.

And yet…

How many of US - as parents, peer mentors, role models, co-workers, bosses, or even users of Facebook - REALLY take the time to look at our words? How many of us have paid attention to the fact that we might, just might, have a sphere of influence where people... gasp… look up to us and value our opinion? And how many times do we attempt to connect with people who are "cooler" than us, or whatever, by saying MEAN THINGS about EASY TARGETS?


There was a dude at the bar last night who spent a good 20 minutes of the night - loudly, I might add - telling everybody what he thought of the "red-faced fatty" to his table of drunk young 20-somethings, all quite attractive and dressed well. Clearly this man was influential in his circles, as he had a rapt audience.

I was at a course all day today, on a topic with NOTHING TO DO with politics, or comedy, or Toronto. And yet, the very first keynote speaker of the day came up and spent over 5 minutes of his 20 minute lecture (that's one quarter, folks), playing Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert/Jimmy Kimmel clips on the current affairs, and the speaker himself made MEAN jokes about Rob Ford. I believe I counted no less than 7 - probably closer to 12 or 13 - times that this speaker said the word "crack" and "drugs" with sheer disdain in his voice.

Both of these guys were probably nice people. The second guy in particular is quite accomplished in his line of work, he has a young family in a respectable neighbourhood, AND HE'S A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!! Really Mr. ______???? The ONLY way you felt you could engage an audience who PAID TO HEAR YOU SPEAK was by spending ONE QUARTER of your speech making fun of a man who's clearly in SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN????????? And who knows what other chemistry is all fucked in his brain from substance abuse and possible trauma???

Let me be clear. I am not a perfect human (much as my ego attempts to convince me hourly that I am). I have said some mean stuff and I thought Jon Stewart's bits have been pretty fucking funny. I even LIKED a mashup photo of Miley Cyrus treating Rob Ford's face as a Wrecking Ball. He needs to step down, and then do whatever healing work he's ready to do. But I'm a product of this society and I am committing to you… no more Rob Ford jokes. It's getting old and it's getting sad.

Because my JOB is to be a role model for the kids I teach and nanny. And how are our kids supposed to NOT bully - either inside or outside of school - if all they receive on the media is that "Bullying is Cool, Bullying is funny, and it's only OK if you go for the easy targets". Have some compassion, everyone, leave the guy alone. And maybe… just maybe… you might find that as you take your attention off an easy scapegoat, you might just look inside… and see you have some healing work of your own that you need to do.

We really live in a world of knee-jerk reactions.

The more I experience, the more I realize my pattern of just running towards the "new" and away from the "familiar". Why is that? Maybe the "familiar" is synonymous - in my conditioned way of thinking - with the "imperfect" and therefore the "unworthy".

The Banyen Tree in Lahaina, Maui is one huge tree with extensive roots.

So many times we're told - from all different sources - to believe that if "something isn't working", we need to "run away". Why is that? Why run away? What will running away get us? Well, honestly?  More and more, I realize that it will just get us the same pattern, only with a different person in a different city, maybe even a different country, or whatever. And chances are, the stakes will be higher, because we didn't listen the first time.

I've really been noticing recently how scared I am to confront certain aspects of myself, and to set boundaries in some certain circumstances. And I won't get too much into the deep personal details - because honestly they don't really matter - but rather than have conversations, deal with things, and keep showing up, I've just wanted to cut and run. "A new situation would be SO MUCH BETTER than the one I have now... a fresh start... I can be a whole new person... ".

Is that really true?

Sure, a new situation means new people who can meet me and take me for my word when I introduce myself to them. But the thing about new people - and this is a broad generalization, so bear with me - is that every new person we meet (especially in society) - is one more person where I can live in STORY. And I'm realizing, more and more, that when I'm in STORY, I'm avoiding GROWTH. Does that make sense?

I'm reminded of plants here. I know, I know, I know it's cliche. Plants without roots die. Any ol' kinda plant. I understand some plants thrive with smaller roots than others. Some don't need soil, they can hang out in water, some roots are so extensive they can be just one plant and take over a block (have you ever seen the Banyen Tree in Lahaina?).

When I live in story, my roots grow horizontally. I grow sideways, I grow on the easy part of the soil. The part that gets used up quickly before I have to go to the next one. Akin to the gas-guzzling car, I am a voracious consumer of people's energy. I tell these new friends stories about my life, about my ankle, about my personal growth, about my Arbonne business, about this and that show I'm doing ... you name it. And in different countries, I get to have a whole story about being CANADIAN! Oh isn't that exciting - there's so many things they don't know about this country! And suddenly I get to be someone else.

Do you think it's a coincidence I became an actor?

Don't get me wrong. Travelling is one of the best things we can do as a society to broaden our horizons, and I intend to travel regularly until my last breath. Meeting new people can blow your mind wide open and teach you so many cool new things about different cultures, different perspectives, different ways of thinking.

But if I don't work on the relationships I have with those near and dear to me, who I let see me at my worst, who I see at their worst, who I teach myself to love at all stages, and who provide the mirror for me to really look long and hard at who I am and what I stand for... who are the people I'm attracting into my life, really? How am I teaching them to treat me, and what do I have to offer them in return?

Because if I offer them a shallow root system, I am a shell of what I know I could be, and the slightest wind will knock me over. Trust me. I've seen it happen again and again and again.

So, today, I pose to you: How can you grow your roots a little further, be a little sturdier... and where is your STORY wanting you to uproot?

With so much love,

Meg

Hey there world,

Just touching base. It's been a rough night, and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.

September, 2013. Here we are, right back at September... and, once again, after having a huge, life-changing, quantum-leap summer...

I'm right back to where I started.

Did I even go away? Did I really have experiences?

Has this ever happened to you? Have you gone away, had a major life-shifting event... then coming back feels like -- as my friend Paula says -- your "toes are cut off trying to fit back into your shoes?". That's where I'm at.

Don't get me wrong - Vancouver is beautiful. I'm lucky to be employed at a job that pays reasonably well for the hours that I work, and to have such thoughtful, caring co-workers. There is so much gratitude here... yet, why does my heart hurt so much?

New York was LIFE-CHANGING. I think. I mean, everything was clicking, the Universe was offering me gifts upon gifts, people's schedules just magically would merge with mine, and I just felt like I had valuable pieces to offer the world. And I come back, and it feels like I've been running and just slammed my solar plexus into a hurdle. The wind feels knocked out of me.

I can't continue living this way, I just can't. I can't keep having to "come down". And therein lies the choice... does one choose to not have expansive experiences because it's just too painful to contract back into where she was before? Or does this same person simply throw caution to the wind and negate all prior responsibilities following the perfection that is a 6-week vacation?

Has anyone else ever experienced this? What have your choices been... or did Providence step in at the very last moment and make the decision for you? I'm all ears.

With all love,
Meg <3>

There it is, the hoof. The ankle. The extremity that causes me to limp occasionally, inspiring such hilarious original nicknames as "Hopalong Cassidy", or "Gangsta Walk".

6 Years ago, I was in London, UK. I was about to graduate Musical Theatre School in London. I was heading towards a path of staying in the country and becoming a working (famous?) actress. I was attending many dance classes a week, and had a lot of support behind me. And 6 years ago today, as I was running to catch the bus for one such dance class, a car came seemingly out of nowhere and parked on my left foot. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I had one surgery, and then 3 months later I had another, after returning to Vancouver, BC (Canada), where I am from, and got taken care of. I expected to recoup for 6 months then head back there. But that's not what happened.

I stayed in Vancouver. It didn't get better. It got arthritic. I started to limp, more and more. I did some shows and realized that I'm not physically even close to where I was before the accident. There is a great deal I cannot do, and even more that I should not try to do.

Lots of you know this story inside and out. Every year that goes by, I become more and more distanced from the Accident, and more solid in who I am - NOW. I am constantly meeting new (and connecting with old) peoples, teachers along the way.

So what's the purpose of the blog? All of the above, I've said a million times about it. I've written a show about it, for Chrissake. This story is my story, and it's formed life as I am.

I suppose I write this blog with the intention to state that this cycle is on its way out. It may not be OVER completely - there is always work to be done - but there is no deadweight holding me down anymore. There is no looking over my shoulder to see if the Guy Who Hit Me's Lawyers are secretly videotaping me to use in court. The crippling fear of not succeeding has nowhere near the strength it had in 2006. I have a partner who loves me, a show I'm proud of, and an incredible support system. I still have a foot that's my own foot.

Yes. I write this blog to say that I am ready to move forward. It's scary, but it's happening. And finally, I'm ready. Yes, and thank you.

I've never considered myself a passionate person about major political or social justice things. To be totally honest, often my involvement doesn't extend beyond "Like"-ing organizations on Facebook. I've attended about 4 Pride Parades in my life - usually because it's been a way to hang out with someone who was really adamant about going, or because I was promoting a show I was in. And to be totally honest, I think it's musical theatre that really forced me at a young age to accept gay rights - I realized that if I was going to stay in musical theatre, I'd better learn to become friends with some gay boys. Especially the ones I had crushes on (I suppose that was my first experience that no matter how hard you try, you're really not going to turn a boy straight!).


Of course that is a massive stereotype. But this blog all started with being kinda tired on a drizzly Saturday evening. I didn't really know what movie to watch, so I Googled "good movies to watch" (creative, right?) - and came across this link from Gala Darling (who looks like a pretty wicked awesome lady actually). And for the record, just reading her movie selection made me realize that her and I could for sure be friends.

So one of the movies on the list was "But I'm a Cheerleader" - looked cute and funny (RuPaul plays an "ex-gay" and wears short shorts, I mean how could I not watch it?!) So I watched the silly, campy movie, and it was exactly as I thought it would be (silly and campy).

But while watching it, I realized: this is actually something that people do in the world today. There are loving parents out there who are, in fact, so scared themselves of 'veering away from God's path' that they send their children to camps to "pray away the gay", "butch up", and use the argument that you can quit from drugs or alcohol, so why can't you quit from gay thoughts.

Not entirely believing that Conversation Therapy was a thing, I wikipedia'd it (thank you Internet!). Sure enough, I came across a few organizations: the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality) and Exodus. I spent my morning reading arguments and studies on why kids of same-sex couples have grown up with "negative" consequences, and how "participants [report] positive outcomes from [conversion] therapy". This is a direct quote from Julie Hamilton, the Ph.D. 'd head of NARTH, by the way. In fact, upon learning that she gives presentations on her beliefs, I watched a YouTube clip of hers entitled "Homosexuality 101". She's actually a great speaker, for the record. She and NARTH hold firm to the belief that - to summarize - people are not born gay and do not choose to be gay. They theorize that while there are a bunch of reasons why a person "turns" gay, a predominant one is that a child's relationship with his/her parent is broken through some traumatic event, and so this child finds solace identifying with traits of the opposite gender. This "conversion therapy" seeks for every person to dig down into their memories, find that event, and heal it. Amongst other things. CNN did a great 3-part story on the research and everything leading to it.

So while absorbing all of this this morning, I thought a bunch of things. Most of which won't make it on this blog because chances are, if you're reading this, you think like me, let's be honest, you're someone who's clicked on the link off my Facebook page, and I don't really need to preach to the converted. And I'm not a debator or an academic because when I get passionate about things, my thoughts just get muddled with emotion so please excuse any technical inaccuracies and/or my lack of through-line.

But allow me to list off just a few of the thoughts that are circling through my head right now:

• People spend time, resources, and money on this as a social cause? And not just a little money. A LOT of money. Those fancy websites and impressive conventions are not cheap.
• This Julie lady is a wonderful speaker, and clearly an excellent academic due to completing her Ph.D. and her ability to craft a persuasive argument. So why can't she be a good speaker on other things? What drives her so deeply to spend her life "curing" people of homosexual lifestyles?
• For that matter, what do any of these people think when they look in the mirror? Is it really that much more important to them to have a traditional male-female relationship than a same-sex relationship with love and support? To live by severe boundaries than explore who they are?
• And lastly, perhaps what bugs me the most is that there are these educated people (although biased, they are educated) who form arguments that, at first glance, can sound reasonable, effective even. These arguments reach perhaps less-educated people that really only desire love and acceptance in their community (let's call it a church community). And suddenly, the way to receive love and acceptance is to follow this message.
• How did the anti-gay-rights movement start? Yes I know it's been something that's been thought for ages. But WHY did someone EVER think a gay lifestyle was wrong?

So I thought, If I were to engage in an argument with someone believing firmly in this stance (thankfully, I don't know anyone personally), what would I say?

To be honest, I don't know. Because I'd probably argue really poorly and then end the discussion with me allowing them to be entitled to their beliefs. Which to be honest, is probably an excellent thing because arguments where the other person doesn't listen are never helpful.

But if I were to engage, I'd probaby ask - WHY IS HOMOSEXUALITY WRONG? How can you compare Drinking or Smoking to Homosexuality? Drinking causes harm to yourself. Maybe harm to others if you're abusive. Maybe you can be in an abusive same-sex relationship. Perhaps sex with someone who has an STD is bad. But let's be honest, STDs and STIs are definitely NOT limited to gay sex. This page supports that children from same-sex parents are less likely to have lower levels of happiness and are more likely to be abused, either as children or adults (of course, it also doesn't ask children who have grown up with same-sex parents, only who have had same-sex parents at the time of the questionnaire, so it's entirely likely their childhood could have included an unhappy heterosexual relationship stemming to their issues). To that I say, "and you are relying on a study rather than your own heart"?

And it's quite obvious that that's where the debate/argument would end, as you can tell I sometimes run out of logical things to say. Yup, remind me never to enter that argument.

So, I'm not a Christian. I don't understand so-called Christian values, co-habitation doesn't seem wrong to me. Marriage doesn't seem right to me (really? It's a thing to commit the rest of your life to one person, because you are completely sure that neither of you will ever change?)
But I do very much believe that we should all have a right to our own opinions as long as they don't harm others. I have a cousin who just recently had a very Christian wedding - while I definitely did not enjoy the dogmatic speeches of the guests/wedding party, I love hanging around my cousin. I believe people are people. Let's just do things that make us happy and if they are hurting other people, chances are they're not making us truthfully happy.

I really admire the strong people who make the stance to go against the grain, but moreso the pioneers who did it at a time when NARTH's view was the world view (Gertrude Stein comes to mind). I can't even imagine the horror, and the bravery, and the extreme tancity it must've taken to live solidly by their lifestyle at a time when it meant social excommunication.

I have a male cousin who, at 10, is quite effiminate in mannerisms (and actually can be a little bitchy to his younger brother - we'll have to watch that). But he is an AMAZING performer and his parents support him in all they do. I can't even imagine if he had to go to "conversion therapy" - I look at all the potential he has to create incredible things, and I think, if he had to spend his entire life trying to be approved by changing the the way he speaks or judging the people he finds attractive, he would have a VERY different life.

As I stated early on, I'm not one to go to every pride rally and write picket signs and elicit donations. Sometimes I wish I was, but that's not me. However, I felt the need to state my opinion on this topic, especially as July is coming to a close, a time when cities all over have Pride Parades (which are often just an excuse to wear underwear and glitter, but hey, at least it celebrates that we can do that).

So I'll just end this by asking: if you "pray away the gay", what do you indeed become? I'd think just someone who's spending their daily existence shrouded in emotional baggage. Can't we all just seek love in our lives, and focus on the addictions that really do matter?