Friday, December 20, 2013

This is where I am.

Oh, hey there world.

This is the view from my apartment, where I sit, alone. I'm surrounded by boxes because I just moved 3 weeks ago and have had far more important things to do than unpack fully since moving in.

It's snowing in Vancouver - a rare thing - and I'm feeling a lot of things. After all, it is the last day of my 20s. I'm shocked that today is finally here. I'm desperately hoping a person will text me back who is a distraction from all of the other very real things that have happened over the past couple months. I'm constantly refreshing Facebook to see who has started writing on my Facebook wall for my birthday. So far, just one buddy in Australia (thanks Matt!). I'm hoping I write a truly profound blog that will get shared and go viral and become everyones mantra for the day they turn 30. Or, at the very least, share enough that my newfound fame becomes the answer to "where is my career going?" - that question that I apparently should at least have a plan for.

But back to that first thing. Today is here. The future became the present. And tomorrow, apparently, things change. Tomorrow, I turn 30. And here I am… in that awkward state where if anyone asked me my age I would say "29" which I can really only do for like 6 more hours now.

Remember when we were all scared the world was going to end on Dec 21, 2012? It was the end of the Mayan Calendar, so all of 2012 leading up to that was supposed to be this new vibrational year where we shed our skin, experienced change, and anticipated the newfound growth of 2013. After Dec 21, 2012, we were launched into a new, exciting world where our deepest desires come to the surface and we live the life we were truly meant to live. Yaaaaaaaay…! remember that..? I do! I spent my 29th birthday in Seattle with my boyfriend, watching one of my idols, Louie CK, perform. I had felt some major career growth in 2012 - that was the year my lawsuit got settled, I toured my solo show, I committed to recovery, I hit a new level with the company I sell for. I even started to enjoy teaching! That Christmas, I went to Hawaii with my boyfriend and family, and boy did 2013 seem like it was going to be my year! Look out, new vibrational year!


What ensued was what I like to endearingly label "my own personal shit show".

Now don't get me wrong, it started out awesomely enough. I travelled to Palm Desert to see my family, met a whole bunch of my company "family" at a training in Saskatchewan, flew to LA to watch our web series get screened in a fancy festival, my solo show got picked up for a festival in NYC, the city that holds my heart, and I was part of a hit Fringe Show.

But then, around late March/early April, shit started to hit the fan… and more and more and more pieces began to pile on top of it. My agent dropped me. My partner did something that fucked with my trust and set in motion our eventual demise as a couple in the fall. My show flopped BAD in NYC. I tried to hand over my wounded heart to unhealthy people and suffered immense pain. And then, over a 2-week period in October, the following happened: partner and I split up, I moved out and in with parents, I started a completely new job, and I co-bought a place with my mom (hence the boxes). October was a month of total deer-in-headlights shell shock. November was the month of damage control. And December… December has been the month of straight-up reality check.

Since October, I've been starting to feel the nudges of "who I really am". I guess that's what you can call them. I've embraced my deep love for the hip hop culture, especially rap… my iTunes playlist is morphing. My tolerance for people's shit has plummeted and I've started scraping the fat from conversations I have with people (If I don't want to hang out with anyone, I'm not going to suggest 'going for coffee sometime'. fuck that). I'm pushing myself into the comedy community and have started doing stand-up. I am more sexually awake than ever, and I am taking a hard, long look at my patterns and am fiercely willing to partner with a higher force to take away what does not serve. If I feel a strong emotion, I will sit with that emotion and ask what it has to teach me, and what Little Meggie needs, and do my best to honour that request, as rational (or irrational) as it is. My "frequent caller" list is changing and shifting as the friends who meet me at my level are the healthiest people for me, and many others are sadly sifting to the pile of "unhelpful people right now".

In light of 2013's craycray, I decided to do what many others in my situation would do: CELEBRATE HARD. Go out dancing, meet new people, pour myself into new social situations. After all, Meg needs new friends in this new life I barely freaking recognize who she is becoming. So what better time to celebrate hard than my birthday week? Here's what I thought: "Since it's the week before Christmas, people are going to be all over the place, so I'll do something every night for people to attend"! So I did, I've planned something every night this week.

And it has sucked. My birthday week has sucked hard. Not only do most of my best friends I've compiled over the years live in different cities around the world, but of those I consider besties in Vancouver, very few have been able to make it to my activities. And I get it, December's a shitty time to have been born (sorry friends), my friends work and get auditions and blah blah blah. My little ego set up massive expectations, and ergo set me up for massive disappointment. Story of my 20s.

So where do I stand? When I was little, I made a list of "things to accomplish before I turned 30", which got revised upon graduating from high school in 2001. Guess what, folks? None of them had been met. Some of them, I'm ok with. "Lawyer by day and Ballet dancer by night", I'm  OK with not having achieved.  Being a "famous singer and on Saturday Night Live" … a little harder to swallow.

So why do I share all of this with you? I had hoped this would be a "kick-life-in-the-ass-and-turn-30 blog" about goals and shit… after all, many have written these before me and many more will do so after me. But that's not where I'm at. I don't even know what my goals are anymore. Stuff I used to think I was good at I'm learning I'm actually pretty crappy at. But stuff I thought I was lame at, I'm actually not too bad.

I'm freaked out, I'm disappointed. I want to make more art and I don't know which medium to start in. I feel more free than ever before, knowing many parts of my life that didn't serve me have fallen away… but I'm left, naked, on new terrain, and I don't know what it means. I'm unsure and I'm making mistakes left right and centre. I feel like I'm back in high school - the socially awkward girl kicked out of the 20s Club party and not quite invited to the 30s Club party, but not dressed for either. I don't know if the 30s Club will like me, or accept me, or if I have what it takes to kick ass, but all I have is the bags that I packed for myself. I've let go of some of the shit my family packed for me in previous years that was just heavy baggage, and I don't have everything that I will need for the coming decade. I guess all a girl can do is trust the work she's done has set her up to handle whatever life gets thrown at her.

Well, on that note, I'll see y'all on the other side of 30. Party hard and stay safe, everyone.

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