Ladies and Gentlemen, Day 5!

To begin with, at this present moment, I feel GREAT - vibrant, fit, *alive*. My body feels it is releasing and my whole energy feels a million times better than last night. I felt motivated to ride my bike, go to work, do a Journey process with the wonderful and amazing Val... but let's back up to this morning, when I did NOT feel great.

So I woke up and hit the 'snooze' button about 10 times... if you calculate a 9-minute 'snooze' time, you'll surely see that's just around 1.5 hours of 'snooze'-ing.

So I woke up, and I was reeeally considering giving up today. I've come really far, my body clearly wasn't happy with me yesterday, maybe this is not the cleanse for me. And I considered eating some food but then I thought, well, let's give it till midday. I'm ok for now.

So just as I'm about to head out the door, I feel this now-normal nausea in my body. I think, "I feel kinda nauseous," ... 2 minutes later, I realize, "I feel really nauseous... yup, I'm gonna throw up "...

so I do.

And I'm like, now what?

Clearly my tummy is angry at me at the present, and I can't even *consider* drinking any more maple syrup. So I ask my body, "Body, what do you need?" And body's like, "BREAD!" and I'm like, "MIND, what are youuu doing here? I didn't ask you here" and mind's all, "sooo-rryyyy" so I turn back to body.

"Body, what do you need?"
"Food."
"What Kiiind of food?"
"BREAD!"
"Miiiind, stop it! I can't eat bread, I'm cleansing the body of cooked food and toxins and what would this mean to my integrity of commitment?"
"Soooorryyyy. Just trying to help."

And body speaks up - quietly now - "How about a banana?"

How about a banana?

I think about it. A banana could be tough. A banana would mean breaking my vow of no solid food. Would that mean I'm breaking these plans?

But then, my body is asking for food, demanding it! Who am I to resist that?

So I choose to eat the banana. Because being nauseous is the pits, and I have a day to go about.

Anyway, the best choice I could've made. From then on, the day was GREAT. There were a couple moments of seeing people eat around me, and wishing that I could be ingesting a whole lotta cheese ... but it feels good to feel strong, too. So today was a day of feeling strong.

So the theme for HIGH FIVE day has been this: you don't have to move quickly and forcefully to be moving. You can be moving slowly, too.

And I love that because patterns in Meg's Life to Date have been around either been sprinting a 100 meter dash or sitting on a couch gorging on chips. Literally. So what if life were a marathon? What if life was a long-distance stretch consisting of sprints and jogs, and perhaps sometimes walks... but always movement?

I was riding my bike home tonight in a redonculous rainstorm. If you live in Vancouver, you know what that was... the drains were clogged with leaves so there were puddles everywhere, and so my feet were literally soaking by the time I arrive home. In fact, they were soaking 30 seconds after departure.

So the setup was pretty rough. Also, if you know 10th Avenue anywhere west of Alma, you'll know that there's a Great Big Mother-Fing Hill. (I like to call her GBMuthaFa). And most days, I feel empowered when I get up that thing ... it's always the very last leg of my trip and I always arrive panting and dripping with sweat when I get home.

However, tonight, I just knew I was too weak to take on the hill.

"Should I bus tonight?" I think to myself. But I consider how I've made that pact in September to bike everywhere that I can. And I knew I had the energy for a bike home tonight. So I sucked it up and left.

But I also knew that I did not have the energy to make it up GBMuthaFa. I tried 1/2 a block, to see if I was fooling myself... but I'm definitely weak and short of stamina. So I head back down the hill to the bus stop... only to see the bus pass me by, splashing water all over my face. Great. Now what?

But ya know... as I look at that bus passing me I think, wow. I really don't want to be on that thing right now. It's hot and non ventilated, it's really full, I'd have to pick my bike up to load it, I'd only go for 2 stops and spend $2.50 on bus fare.

So I think... I could walk!

What a novel idea! Walking, instead of going quicker and biking. Eating 1 banana, instead of pushing through pain. And in neither instances did I choose to 'give up' ... in fact, because I have energy now, I'm more committed than ever.

And that is what I'd like to leave you with. High Five for Day Five.

Love,
Meg

I need to start by just saying... 10 days is a LONG TIME! Whose idea was this?

So today was GRATITUDE day. It's hard to be grateful when you don't have much coming in.

There have been a lot of learnings today. First, that doing the cleanse while taking action is perhaps not the best for me. I've been feeling nauseous at night, and have been noticing myself very sensitive to the people around me. My reaction to people's energies are starting to get weeeeird...

I've also thought about my mind's reaction. So many times today have I considered, "i am messing my system up, maybe I should eat something, I can't do it..." And I wonder, am I thinking these things because of fear? Or because of my mind?

I think, "I'm breaking it, that's it, I feel sick, this isn't supposed to make me feel sick". And then I realize this is a great reminder of when I was in terrible pain after the accident... and how breathing, one breath in, one breath out, it puts you in the moment, and suddenly there you are.

And then I think about how I would feel were I to 'give up', and I think how I would feel about Quitting. And then I also worry, will I be able to make it through tomorrow?

And lastly -- I think, wow, is food the *only* thing that will get me through the day? The whole point of this cleanse is to draw my attention away from food, and to focus on the other lifestyle choices that make me complete. Noticing my thoughts as they stem up is a great, great thing... because these are the thoughts I want to change Post-Cleanse Process. Ya know?

So far, so good. Great yoga class tonight, and i feel great when i'm still. It's when I move that those feelings set in. We will see how I feel by mid-day tomorrow. Tomorrow, by the way, is "BREATH" day. Hmm.

love,
meg

About 2 weeks ago I decided - without realizing that I had decided - to do a cleanse after Thanksgiving. Upon my return to Vancouver, it's been an interesting haul. It's been filled with Fire-Energy.

Just over a year ago, I was in the middle of a very intense Journey process - probably the most intense I've ever had - when this deep fire just shot up through my belly. It was like this grumbling from the earth, and my whole body suddenly became feverish. It was wweeeeird. My body was booming at me... fire.... and all of the sudden, these action steps appeared to me. Go to hot yoga. Harness your inner fire. Do the Master Cleanse. Be in ACTION.

I was floored... flabbergasted. After the process, I needed to remove myself from the group because the feelings were so strong, so intense - so vivid. I could see my highest Self... my future.

Upon returning back to Van, I felt I was totally ready to live in that fire... I pursued my certification as a Journey Practitioner, I met loads of people, I stayed in touch with all the people from the healing and personal development camps and retreats I'd done over the past few months.

And then...

...


...


...


nothing.

Got my Journey certification, went travelling. Had some contract jobs open up that were lovely and wonderful and fun...but my practice did not take off. I still had not moved out. My ankle was in a lot of pain, and I found myself gaining weight. I was so very uninspired, except for those rare moments that I truly treasured.

Anyway, that turned out to be a lot more rambly than I had hoped. The point is... I returned from another summer THIS year... in a COMPLETELY different space. Totally revved, rejuvinated, feeling full of action and self-confidence in ways I've never felt.

I've been not just inspired to... but I've been committing to things. Like waking up at 6am and writing for a few hours before heading to yoga, or work. Coming home and checking things off the list that I've committed to do. Applying for lots of positions. Writing. Playing the keyboard.
Eating well. It's amazing how I feel like a new woman... (although that last Woman inside of me is an integral part of the Woman I am now...)

So one of the things I've committed to is a 9-day cleanse. It was originally supposed to be like a 4- or 5-day cleanse, but I ended up adding some Ease-In and Ease-Out days. In doing so, I chose to really use this time and space to really GO for the change I wanted... how better than to use the act of eating as a metaphor for the rest of life.

I'm going to post about the next week or so as it goes a bit more. But I just needed to share the word that it is a time for ACTION these days, and this is a beautiful thing.

Thank you for your space. Namaste.

Again, India.Arie saves my butt. I sit here, and I listen, and I realize that although the world is going to end... I think... it just might be ok.

can I share my evening with you?

So I screwed up tonight.

How did I do it? Did I get cocky? Perhaps. Was I busy doing other things? Yes. Did I ignore my intuition and go forward with a project that I felt uneasy about? Most definitely.

In short - and the last thing I want to do is recount the story, but I feel I must - I chose to sing a song for a "Staff On Stage" Performance at the summer camp I am working at till August. Well, I was asked to sing it. But I chose to do it. The song was "Defying Gravity", you know, that song that's all about breaking limits and being amazing and all those wonderful things I like to talk about... so when given the chance to sing it... this girl jumps. Right?

So here's the thing. I royally BOMBED. OK, so the majority of the audience loved it - you can't go wrong when you choose a crowd-pleaser song - but I didn't nail it. My voice cracked, I butchered important words like "down" and "ah" and that other word, you know, "gravity".

I didn't nail it.

I didn't nail it.

I disappointed myself and the people I perceive to matter.

FUUUUUUUCK!!!!

Over the past few years, I've been getting lazy with my voice. Yes, lazy is the word. Not practicing. Not singing. Taking time off.

Which has been fine. Because in the past, I've oversung. I've had a lot of fear tied up in my voice. I've had worries of abuse, seen specialists, been on voice rest, paid far too much attention to the technique of speaking, singing, breathing, moving... UGGGH! So I reached a point of... ENOUGH.

And I've been wanting to take a lesson with someone in vocal technique for at least a year. And this morning, I had the BEST lesson... 1.5 hours ... it was so great, I made all these wonderful advances, I remembered so much about pure vowels, and support, and heard everything with fresh ears and made new advances and felt so GOOD! And promised myself that for the song I was singing tonight, I would really practice it, and it would be AMAZING for tonight.

So can you guess what happened? Did I practice? Not a bit. Did I go forward with the song, all the while knowing that I still had issues? Absolutely.

THERE IS SO MUCH I DID WRONG TONIGHT!

I finished the performance, I left straightaway, blew off my other friends performing tonight, and felt this real strong primal urge for India and a blog. You know, my version of Scotch and a cig.

So what can we take away from this experience?Ummm, wait. What can I take from this?

"Sometimes you fly, and sometimes you fall. There ain't no way to avoid the pain, cuz getting burned that's how you learn to come back to the middle"

I think... I think... I think...

I think I'll be ok. I think this is Goduniverse's kick in the ass telling me to smarten up my technique. To have such an amazing morning with vocal discoveries and an extremely painful evening with Self-disappointments is an extreme ego-bruiser, and I think ... I think... I need to be very gentle with myself here.

It's Ok... because, to quote Queen Arie ... "to get to the top you must come back to the middle". So here lie I, before you... humbled, open, action ready, having hit Cocky, moved into Humbled... and now... am back at the middle.

"Because you never know where life is gonna take you and you can't change where you've been, but today, I have the opportunity to choose"

India.Arie is a goddess. I truly, truly mean that. She's the type of goddess that demands to be worshipped - like cats were in Ancient Egypt. Or wait, maybe they were killed. No, wait, that's the Middle Ages I'm thinking of.... yes, they were definitely worshipped.

(note to self, Wikipedia "worship cats, Egypt")

Ok, that actually has nothing to do with the point of this blog. The whole point of this blog was to discuss feelings.

So back to India Arie. There are a handful of artists who have saved my life, and I don't use that expression lightly, over the years. The ones who inspire passion, who remind me those little nuggets of truth, when I have so forgotten. India.Arie has slowly become my artist of choice over the past year, my own personal guru who is so easily accessible on iTunes, the one who I pose a question to and 2 minutes later she is answering it in song, verse, and some of the sweetest guitar sounds there are.

This show that I am in now, we are heading into the final 10 days pre-concert time, and so I find myself immersed in all the music that our fabulous fearless leader Jessi Nicholson has chosen so carefully... and ya know, every day I find myself thanking my lucky lucky stars to be involved in this project.

In case you don't know what project it is, I am singing background vocals for Jessi Nicholson's band Journey Into Eye. It's her baby, this project, and she is such a talented and driven (not to mention fabulous!) professional, that I am blessed to work with her. And, insert shameless plug here: we are playing June 4th, 10pm, at the Backstage Lounge in Granville Island, tix $10 in advance, $12 at the door (email me at megnatphil@hotmail.com for tix!)

So I bring up the show - not Just to lure you into buying tickets, hehehe, but for a deeper reason: I needed to explore my evolution up until now.

i was swimming, yesterday, and in the pool, I realized just how far I've actually come. I swim because it's the only - and yes, I mean ONLY - cardio exercise I can do without any pain. And I was kinda groaning, because I was starting to get bored in the pool, and as I was going through the front crawl motions I decided, OK, I'm finishing this lap, then i'm outta here.

And all of the sudden, India.Arie's "and I Choose" popped into my head. Are you familiar with her lyrics? If not, I will paste some of them here:

I Choose to be the best that I can be
I choose to be authentic in everything I do
my past don't dictate who I am
I Choose

And this part of the song just looped through my head. It looped. I was looping through the pool, swimming my laps, and India was looping through my head.

But, like, I just got to thinking, "Sheeeeit... I do choose. I do!" We like to think that we don't choose. A lot of times, we hope that we don't choose, we soooo hope that we don't, because then we're not accountable, right? We're not accountable for the bad stuff. The gross stuff.

I have more to write about this, but it's late, and I need to go to bed. So for now, I'll just leave you with India's "I Choose"... and you can take from it what you need.

Love,
Mega

... and I'd like to share them with you.

They are rough, they may have some parts that are desperately calling for a thesaurus, and the first one especially goes on a little long...
but here ya go.

********************************************************************************************
ODE TO COOKIES
(or, Fuck You, Cookies)

Fuck you,
cookies.

You with your tantalizing eyes
your ravishing lips
those seductive lashes

You gaze at me with unspoken fulfillment of ...

?

Whispering,
Calling,

Promises. Promises. Promises of
What you will bring


What I will


GAIN

Better.

The world will

SPIN

its axis.

Life Aligns itself

All in that first bite of


<3 COOKIE <3

So I run to my Enabled legs
I Race across town

And...suddenly... suddenly...

I'm there

We meet,

I am the fly, Stuck in the Siren call
of the
DoubleChocolateChunk
The Web has taken over
I am PARALYZED or shouldIsay
POSSESSED

DoubleChocolateChunk has become DoubleChocolateChunkandMacademiaNut

DoubleChocolateChunkandMacademiaNut takes over it

has a Mind now

(It's alarmingly like mine)

not whispers but COMMANDS

I obey

Mechanically, I REACH

the PULL stronger than the PUSH



like Martial Arts. A Martial
ARTIST
would be stronger would resist
the SIREN



I am not a martial
ARTIST

I am weak

"that'll be $6.50"

My last $6.50 before overdraft
to pay
bank fees
from this morning's
LatteAndBiscottiIt'sHealthierThanACookie

"Debit,

Please"

30 seconds and it is over.

I am the Weak
I am the Defeated

I am not a Martial
ARTIST

the world spun 360
It lost alignment


I hear a faint cry
I turn my ear and eye in its direction

There is a
SIREN

Now, she is held by a Thin
a Fit
a Hot

"I am her eater and I am not Fat
You can eat me you will not be

Fat"

Martial
ARTISTS would say No

I am not a Martial
ARTIST

"That'll be $8.50"

$8.50 into overdraft
2 weeks till payday
no cash
DebitTransactionsEqualBankFees

"DEBIT"

I am the Weak
I am the Defeated

Never will Life resemble my dream

I am not a Martial
ARTIST

Nor am I a Thin
a Fit
a Hot

I am a Weak
a Lone
a Fraid

I am a Unrealized

Tomorrow will be the same
There is no Change

Fuck you,

COOKIES
********************************************************************************************

Fuck You, Martial Artists

I am a Weak
a Lone
a Fraid

I see Martial
Artists,

Artist
Marshalls,

Mar-tysts

What the

FUCK

They omit and Enjoy

Life.

I tried

I pretended, once, I pretended

I was a good

Martial
Artist

Artist
Marshall

Mar-tyst

Sometimes

I still

Pretend

Not now.

********************************************************************************************

(no name)

I see you Eating,

Thin
Why can't I
Still
be Eating

Chewing
Swallowing
Tasting
Breathing

Instead, I breathe and
I feel

Bitter

Bitter

...like Vinegar
on fries

FRIES

would be nice....

********************************************************************************************

(no name #2)

There is so much

I

Could

do

It's a shame I am


Lazy