Monday, June 14, 2010

sick of the pain

Have you ever had an upcoming opportunity that you were living for? Fighting for? Have you ever had something that was so incredible that it kept you going, even when times were really tough? And you could tell yourself, "well, this is all just a stepping stone, and this unbelievable, fantastic opportunity that is coming up, that will for sure happen, it will be worth what you I am doing now, I can't even believe this is going to happen to me, I am the luckiest girl alive?"

And now, imagine that this opportunity - promised to you by someone you dearly love and trust-- this light at the end of the tunnel, this beautiful mirage of wonder... imagine that just as it's coming into your grasp... it gets yanked away. The same loving hand that promised it to you has cruelly pulled it out of your very close hand and given it to the hand of someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate it, someone who couldn't think twice about it.

I wish I could get more into specifics. And of course I know that because I'm writing in the midst of some serious emotional pain so of course I am overreacting. But this pain, it feels like someone is rubbing scathing coals all over my burned entrails. Every so often I get a gasp where I have to cry because that is the only way I know how to deal with the fact that I have lost a LOT of faith in my confidence that my career will one day take off. That I will, one day, actually get a role that I can be proud of ... a real one, not a false hope, not a pipedream.

It is rocking my faith in the Universal Plan, and certainly in my "belief" that eventually, things work out. Because they certainly don't feel like it today. So Angels, if you're there, if there has ever been a cry for help... this is it.

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