Have you ever had an upcoming opportunity that you were living for? Fighting for? Have you ever had something that was so incredible that it kept you going, even when times were really tough? And you could tell yourself, "well, this is all just a stepping stone, and this unbelievable, fantastic opportunity that is coming up, that will for sure happen, it will be worth what you I am doing now, I can't even believe this is going to happen to me, I am the luckiest girl alive?"

And now, imagine that this opportunity - promised to you by someone you dearly love and trust-- this light at the end of the tunnel, this beautiful mirage of wonder... imagine that just as it's coming into your grasp... it gets yanked away. The same loving hand that promised it to you has cruelly pulled it out of your very close hand and given it to the hand of someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate it, someone who couldn't think twice about it.

I wish I could get more into specifics. And of course I know that because I'm writing in the midst of some serious emotional pain so of course I am overreacting. But this pain, it feels like someone is rubbing scathing coals all over my burned entrails. Every so often I get a gasp where I have to cry because that is the only way I know how to deal with the fact that I have lost a LOT of faith in my confidence that my career will one day take off. That I will, one day, actually get a role that I can be proud of ... a real one, not a false hope, not a pipedream.

It is rocking my faith in the Universal Plan, and certainly in my "belief" that eventually, things work out. Because they certainly don't feel like it today. So Angels, if you're there, if there has ever been a cry for help... this is it.

So the Olympics ended 8 days ago, and Vancouver is still here. Who'd've thought? Life continuing on past the Olympics?

So there are a lot of topics I want to cover in this blank page, as it were. Life lessons. Meeting and moulding the goddess within. Fear of living in creativity.

So where do I start?

I don't know. But what I can say, is that my life lessons over the past month have been the opposite of "few and far between": they've been copious and constantly happening. I was the AM supervisor of this kick-ass team that Coca-Cola assembled for their Olympic Pavilion, called the "Happiness House". It was comprised of 138 staff members, and a whole lotta awesome.

Also, a whole lotta HAPPENING. With 40 staff members on the floor at any given time, 7000+ people walking through our doors daily over our 17-day run, there certainly was a huge learning curve. And I feel the need to share some key learnings with you. As I walk away from one of the greatest experiences of my life so far, the absolute worst thing I could do would be to walk away from analyzing (and blogging about!) the growth that has happened.

And even more of a travesty would be to not acknowledge the incredible character traits from my fellow staff members that I have watched and learned from. The ways that - one fellow Sup in particular - would deal with every single challenge with not just grace and wisdom, but with a sense of humour and an honest-to-goodness smile... not one of those fake, sardonic ones, but a real one, that suddenly makes the "Mountain" a mere "Pebble in the road".

Does that sound cliche? I think it does. But it's true. So I am going to share with you 4 pillars of growth I've encountered over the past 5 weeks of my life.

Patience is not just a song by K-Os. There are going to be a lot of weird things that happen, and there are going to be a lot weird people who react in even weirder ways to these things. And in the past, I've wanted to say rash things in the moment, make some harsh judgments, and promptly regret any words spoken out of haste.

In my next project, I pledge patience. I pledge to breathe into the situation, and to find the difference between "intuition" and "rage". To find that it is perhaps more appropriate to be empathetic than to yell at someone, or talk behind their backs.

Service with a Smile is not only at MacDonald's. One of my greatest inspirations throughout the Happiness House was an incredible lady from Atlanta, Georgia, who some of you may know. She happens to be one of the most shining, bright lights I have ever met... who also happens to be - hands down - the hardest worker I know. Her work ethic is unreal. I don't think she slept more than 3 hours a night throughout the entire time, but man -- was her smile ON. Always. And it wasn't one of those creepy smiles, the kind that Chuckie wore or Jack Nicholson in The Shining. It was a real smile. A smile that told the Universe and anyone around her that not only can she handle the challenge, but she will make friends with it and maybe we can all sit down and have dinner one day.

In my next project, I pledge happiness. Real happiness -- not fake happiness. I pledge real smiles... and to carry them through to everybody I meet.

Courage is not just for the Cowardly Lion. About 2 days into the Happiness House adventure, I had a breakdown. "Whhhaaaa???" you ask, "Megan? feeling overwhelmed? NEVER". I know, I know. Hard to believe. but I did. And I was terrified. I felt totally over my head. Out of my league. In a world I had no business being in. There was a moment, about 3pm, where my heart started to pound and I literally saw stars. I had to sit down because my legs just about gave way underneath me. And I was like, "I can't do this."

But here's the weird thing -- the world didn't end. Just when I thought it was going to -- it didn't. And I proceeded to breathe, and function, and exist. Just ... the outside kind of changed a little.

So charging forward... I pledge courage. I pledge to not let down my ancestors - those strong ladies who pioneered into the New World and left behind all they knew - because no matter what, I'm still breathing, baby!

Endurance is not just for Olympic athletes. I figured this all needed at least one Olympic allusion. The last week of the Happiness House was - though happy - truly exhausting. Happy exhausting. But with very little sleep. And let me remind you... I do love my sleep.

Our hockey team won gold. We won gold against a team that beat us 2-0 not a week before. A team that was REALLY good. Near the beginning of the Olympics, when we were fresh, and more awake.

And then we played day in, day out... and one week later, the very last game of the Games, we played what could be the most incredible hockey game ever. We kicked it into overdrive, we followed through, and just when it looked like we were a shoe-in to win... they scored a goal and tied the game. WHAT?!?! Where did THAT come from?

So what did our boys do? Easy -- they could've thrown in the towel. But they didn't. They played as if their lives depended on it... and of course the rest is history.

So in my next project, I pledge to find the endurance to find the strength within to kick it into overdrive... and then to follow through and take it home... to stay with the project right to the very end.

And THAT is what I've learned. Yo.

Been a while since I've posted, ain't it?

March 1st. It's March 1st. The Coca-Cola Happiness House stint has ended ... a phenomenal experience, to say the least. The people met: awesome. The experience gained: incredible. The contacts made: unbeatable. Contract, from November, 2009 to Feb, 2010.... OVER.

And... so the crazy question lingers....

Now What?

You know when you do a show, and you get so close to the cast in such a short amount of time, and suddenly it ends... there's like this vacuum of energy. No wind-up, no wind-down... ya just hit the ground running and hope you swim rather than sink. At the very least, tread water.

Maybe not all of you are actors. So maybe the high school analogy is a bit better.... so much intensity, in such a short amount of time... and then what?

I have no idea what's ahead. I know that it's this paradoxical way to live... I thrive under pressure, in the heat of the moment and knowing there's a specific beginning, middle, and end to the contract... but then I get so freaked out when I actually create the space to do my art.

Oh, that's funny. I meant to write, "when I don't know what's next to pay the bills" ... but what came out was, "to do my art".

Does that mean... I should start writing again? Does that mean... do I HAVE to honour my inner child and deepest ambitions?

Oh god... the panic is starting again. I'm going to go clean my room now. I don't have any answers. I just needed to write what I wrote in the knowledge that you, who are reading this, are the perfect reader.

And please - if you have any responses - I am all ears! (Well, at least, I'll use the 2 I have).

So I'm bruised, I'm broken, and I'm sad.

You know when things are going really well -- like, REALLY well -- and then you realize you've built this platform out of paper that suddenly collapses in front of you?

You know, like, you've given it your all, and that's the scariest point to be in because you're fucking VULNERABLE? There's a reason I stepped back for 2 years. A reason that I hated this industry, and this life path, and people associated with it, and I just STOPPED.

There's a reason I separated myself from people, relationships, gentlemen callers, and physical exercise regiments. Because the ego likes to latch on, and latch to an expected outcome. And if the outcome turns out differently than my sky-high expectations, the pain becomes entirely unbearable.

I'll get through this - I know I will - this just happens to be the way I'm feeling right now. It also just happens to be all-encompassing.

Update: I began this blog 2 nights ago with pain, fear, and anger broiling through every part of my body. But it's been 1 day and 2 sleeps since then... and I begin to realize these feelings for just what they are: feelings. Life keeps trucking along, and I can choose to step on the train or stay at the station, licking my wounds. Now, I'm not saying that licking the wounds isn't necessary to clean out what caused them in the first place...just that the train will always be waiting there for me, ready to take me forward.

IT'S THE END OF THE LINE!

So, I guess I made it?

Finishes are always awkward with me, I've found. I find I'm more of a start-er, ya know? Someone who likes to throw a lot of energy into things, even into the preparation of things... and it's the *finishing* and the *following-up* of things that I find I have issues with.

So, the end of this week got busy again. It started very strong, and then the last 3 days sort of crumbled... but not in ways that I had feared at the outset. In fact, all in all, I am thoroughly impressed with Body. Mega's Body has lasted in remarkable ways -- ways I never had imagined she could, with her history of "fearing discipline". Uber-discipline over these past 9 days has never tasted so good. Pardon the pun.

It's true, though. I had fears of bingeing, of throwing it all to hell, and of really honestly feeling like I could not make it. In fact, my *biggest* fear was just that: what if I really, truly, could not fulfill these 10 simple days I had put out for myself? And if I couldn't do that, what else would I not be able to accomplish I had set out for myself?

And the beauty lies in the fact that: well, yes Megz, it is really and truly possible to set goals for yourself, and to accomplish them. And to do it in a way that is light-hearted, and joyful, and fun.. and full of support. And even though I may be exhausted after returning home from work at 12:30am... I committed to writing a blog, so write a blog I shall.

And then there will be more commitments tomorrow. And that's ok too.

So these are the learnings. That beyond the details: the being hungry, the hating it, the loving it, the barfing, the dropping a pant size, the comments of you amazing readers.... there lies this glowing feeling of accomplishment that only I can claim.

And claim it I shall!

So... I'd love to end it there (and were this a Hollywood script, I would!).... but, ah yes, "following up".

I have a plan. I meet with Gelina, the greatest nutritionist there is, tomorrow morning, and we concoct some form of 3-month outline. The goal is 2 weeks of pure foods, and 3 months of eating a planned lifestyle, with regular check-ins. And in January, I re-evaluate the situation and take it from there: perhaps attempt a longer Master Cleanse, decide which foods belong in my diet, etc. etc.

So perhaps I will blog about that...and perhaps I'll keep with the daily blog. No promises. But tomorrow, the situation will be evaluated and encouraged. I'll post it if anything changes.

One last honourable mention: thanks to you kids who read this stuff. Without you, there would be no inner musings published to both Blogger and Facebook. Thanks for your support, wisdom, and space to hold me accountable.

Much, much much love. Until next time....

Megs

I cheated today.

Yup, it's true. Go ahead and gasp, and judge, and do all you want... whatever you do, I've done it to myself already.

Today was "juice" day: fruit and veggie juice, with the option of soup stock if I wanted. Today was also "integrity" day. Hmmmm.

Today was a BIG day... high-pressure, interviewing for an interesting organization on-site of their big workshops they're doing as a follow-up to a big presentation day they had in October. The organization is so motivating, but there are a whole lot of factors to take into consideration if I am offered the job.

So in short, a very big, stressful day.

Not to mention feeling very broken emotionally last night.

So I went to Jessi's house and sat on her couch, and felt so emotionally drained, and was venting. Jess offered me food: I declined. She said they were beans, I could have some if I wanted. I said no, again.

And then I spent the next 1/2 hour dreaming about beans. My resolve was down.

So you know what happened... I ate the beans.

"They're just beans," I convinced myself, "I'm going to eat whole foods tomorrow ANYWAY".

OK, I'm just gonna barrel on through the next hour. Basically, I had 2 pieces of homemade carrot cake (gluten free, sugar free, made with homemade carrot pulp), and 1 piece of banana bread. I won't get into the gory details because I don't want to. I just need to be accountable.

And I actually- though feeling slightly remorseful - am so glad I get to be accountable to you lovely folk. Because although there are only 2 days left on this, "my" cleanse, I do want to spend the next 2 weeks eating very diligently. But what is diligence if not for some breaking of the rules?

Hmmmm. An issue I grapple with daily, I suppose.

So long story short, I cheated, I'm exhausted, and I hope you forgive me for it. And tomorrow, I do very much intend on staying true to my strength.

My how I love you,
meggers

Yes, the Sheven is a versatile faucet, it rotates, and does these crazy things. My parents actually have one. They're quite nice.

So how does this relate to my cleanse? Besides the fact that they, like the after-effects of a cleanse, are sleek and smooth and they too pour liquid out an opening in the rear of their bodies; a "Sheven" faucet sounds quite similar to "seven" pronounced with a slight speech impediment.

So there you are on that.

"How about the cleanse??? Did you eat today? Did you keep going on the Master? What the heck did you do?!" You ask vehemently.... fine! I'll tell you!! Stop pestering me, you crazy kids!

Geez.

First of all, I started with waking up this morning, and feeling like I could most definitely go with the Master (ie, nothing but water and Cleanse tea) for at least one more day. Then, as I was brushing my teeth, I began to reconsider that. I began to realize that there are a lot of things working against going without food for a longer period of time: I have an ultra-busy week ahead of me, and a very important day tomorrow, and I do want to get back into pushing myself physically in swimming and biking. Moreover, my original intention was to be back into Ease-Out Day 1 today... and my theme of the day today was NURTURE. So why not let the Orange Juice and Ease-In juices nurture me?

So that's what I chose to do. Had about 3 glasses of OJ and lotsa water and tea... and all was well.

I had a moment around lunch I was reading this phenomenal book (which I will get to momentarily), and the author was describing this amazing Indian food he had eaten while in India. I could almost taste it... my tummy started to rumble. And not 2 minutes later - no word of a lie - the person in front of me was served the most delicious-smelling and looking Chicken Curry plate I have EVER experienced. Oh my god. It was like torture. I was sooooo close to throwing in the towel then and there!!! Thank GOD for the physical effects that commitments are having on my body nowadays because, geez, had I not been committed to a cause that was becoming greater than myself... no friggin way would I have made it past those 20 minutes of tortorously delicious smells and sights.

And by the way, I say "greater than myself" ... because I need to reinforce - to you, but mostly to me - that this "Cleanse" is so much MORE than a cleanse for my body. It's a cleanse for my WORLD. My inner world. It's a cleanse as a metaphor for life. For me to think clearer, act stronger, be lighter. To FEEL things more. Do you ever notice how we numb so much out with our food, that we become so stuffed we can't feel a thing?! What a crazy thing!!! It's all well and good to be stuffed... but to do so regularly... and THEN, our bodies begin to show these trapped feelings and unsaid points of view, so we add WEIGHT. what is weight? HEAVINESS. Heaviness on our bodies, and our hearts. Ahhhh... the one thing that we love with... and they go under attack from the heaviness. Interesting.

So then it gets really weird, because we notice these changes in our body, all these trapped judgments.... and we begin to judge it?! So we start pushing our body more, or eating different foods - factory-produced "100-calorie packs" , guzzling Chemical-filled soda - and putting these harsh issues on ourselves, meanwhile we do NOTHING to look at what is so toxic in our lives that we need to stuff ourselves full of toxins?

And hey - I am just as guilty as the rest of you. Lord knows I love a good diet Coke and I've had my fair share of binging on carrots to stay in my point-range on WW.

But honestly, folks... who am I kidding? The moment I finish my binge... I'm back to dealing with the issues I first started with. Because, I'll have to deal with them some way or another... Shoving things in my mouth that taste good has been an excellent buffer and procrastination tactic.

I think all of these issues are on my mind for several reasons: first, because I've finished the FIRE of the master cleanse and am back to the transition phases... much like a recovering addict in rehab, I'm nearing the end of my program and soon will be back in the open. Where things aren't restricted to me because "I'm on a cleanse". Where Meg's Mind likes to make looots of excuses for breaking resolutions that were wimpy in the first place.

Second, because I'm becoming very immersed in this company, Free the Children, a really phenomenal company committed to children freeing other children from child slavery through education. Simple as that. They go into 3rd world communities and do what they can to save these kids whose lives are so vastly different from ours... and the more interested I become in that, the more my own previous issues seem to melt in front of my very eyes.

By the way, that was the book I mentioned earlier. "Free the Children " By Craig Kielburger. I so recommend it.... it's really a well-narrated, fascinating read.

Ok, so I've made my social statements for the evening... check. Blogged about drinking lots of things... check. Made it obscenely long for a busy person to read all the way through... check, check, check.

My work is done here. Happy Sheven-hunting to y'all. I love you from the inside out...!!!!!!


Megster